Monsters and Border Collies

Haley and Cedie do not like monsters. Whatever real or perceived they are very cautious about what they can’t understand.

Haley will resist going outside for days after a thunderstorm. She’ll creep out, look to the sky and run back to the door.

At night Haley sleeps on the end of the bed. Whenever Gigi or I twitch our feet Haley will jump straight up in the air. She is positive that monsters live under the covers and one day those monsters will get her.

Cedie has nightmares and comes running to us in the night when she wakes from a nightmare.

Cedie and Haley both fear the dark.

Peaches is horrified by lady bugs and we know chirping fire alarms. Go figure.

Today Gigi thought it would be great fun if she hid in the tub, disguised her voice and tried to scare Haley.

She lured in Haley and Cedie was behind.

Gigi pops out of the tub making monster noises and both dogs scramble for the door barking and snapping each other with their eyes as big as saucers.

Barking and general mayhem erupted.

Not a good idea.

It's Monday...Back to the Salt Mines

Beer production was the name of the game this weekend.

Saturday afternoon I bottled a batch that I made two weeks ago. It was a recipe similar to Heineken in taste.

I washed a zillion bottles (52) and sanitized them. Everything has to be sterile since this beer is not pasteurized. I swear I think I could do surgery in this little guest kitchen.

I get obsessed with germs so I sanitize the counter, my hands, pots, pans, spoons and anything that comes in contact with the beer. It takes 20 minutes contact with bleach and three rinsing to declare it sanitized and fit for beer contact.

Hell I don’t cook my food in an environment this clean.

I don’t even expose the beer to air when I transfer it. The beer only moves through sanitized siphon tubes.

The capper gave me a problem. Once I fill six sanitized bottles, I take six sanitized caps and cap each bottle. For some reason I wasn’t getting a good crimp on the bottles and could twist the cap afterwards. This was not a good enough seal for Mr. No Germs. Plus I needed a perfect seal for the beer to carbonate.

So I go back and re-crimp 52 bottles four times each. Then I discovered that I was not doing something correctly and was actually using a wine bottle setting. Then I went back and crimped 52 bottles again correctly this time.

My pectoral muscles are killing me.

Then Sunday morning I got up early and sanitized everything and brewed up another batch of beer. This is some German knock off.

So I have one batch fermenting, one batched bottled and conditioning, and once case left out of two of the first batch I made in June.

It is my intent to save that first case for a while to come tastes with these other batches in a month or so.

I certainly wouldn’t go to all this trouble if this stuff was so darn good and superior to any beer that I have tasted. It is amazing that I can make this beer from my kitchen.

St. Croix Equinox

It is almost 6 months until the coveted winter vacation in St Croix. I call it the St Croix equinox.

This will be our sixth winter there and at least our eighth trip to the island.

I wanted to share with all you bloggers in blogland just how fortunate I’ll be next February.

We are renting Villa Madeleine - Toucan House. We looked at this place when we were down in May and loved the view. I know it will be very windy and warm in February.

Jogger's Nipple

Jogger's nipple - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

You just can't beat Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia when you are tired of the regular news and need something uplifting to read (no pun intended).

Take for instance jogger's nipple. Someone assigned this article, someone wrote it and someone approved it. Now I can edit it if I have additional information.

Worst of all I am reading it.

Hell I just thought it was something that happed to me when I was a kid riding a canvas inflatable all day in the salt water.

I would have looked real cool if I stuck Band-Aids over my nipples as the article suggest.

Gosh I must be bored.

Baking With Julia

I finished all my morning chores like grass cutting, cleaning up fallen limbs, feeding the horses, etc. and decided it was time for a shower and a bite of lunch.

I turned on the TV with my sandwich, chips and Diet Pepsi and there was Julia Child.

I always liked her. I remember her on TV way back in the 1960’s.

As I was watching, and I mean no disrespect to the dead, I noticed how much she looked like an orangutan.

I Hate Messy Emails

I hate messy emails.

I know you get them. Somebody sends you an email that has been sent and forwarded to

Note: forwarded message attached.
Open multiple messages at once with the all new Yahoo! Mail Beta.
X-Apparently-To: robertsva@yahoo.com via 68.142.206.89; Mon, 15 May 2006 04:14:07 -0700
X-Originating-IP: [205.152.59.72]
Authentication-Results: mta245.mail.mud.yahoo.com
from=bellsouth.net; domainkeys=neutral (no sig)
10]

The gobblety goop text goes on and on.

All that messy text bogs down my brain and I rarely read the forwarded email. I have a short attention span you know.

If the email has a lot of reading to do and or a puzzle then I don’t bother. It makes me mad to read for a few minutes and it not funny or insightful. I hate puzzles. I can smell the ozone coming from my brain when I work on puzzles.

I don’t think most people think all those email are funny. The reason they send them on is to prove that they are popular enough to get an email from someone else. Then they leave the crap on the email to show where it’s been like a well traveled passport.

I have an old college pal that forwards the best emails. It’s mostly guy stuff. They are so good for the most part that I have a special alarm that rings when one of his emails comes in. I know it going to be funny and I know it will be cleanly formatted. They will be a funny picture or video usually. If they are naughty he has the courtesy to put “Shoulder Check” on the subject line.

A Day in Redneck Court

Well the shit hit the fan or least the shit was tossed toward the fan today.

Gigi and I took the afternoon off and headed to the Cabarrus county courthouse to renew our concealed carry gun permit and to visit the magistrate’s office.

In North Carolina you can carry a concealed weapon if you meet stringent guidelines.

First you have to be properly trained on firearms which we have, you must have a clean criminal record which we have, you cannot be crazy which this is questionable, and you must pass a Quantico FBI background check.

Then you are able to carry a concealed firearm with many restrictions like you cannot carry a firearm in a bank, school, government building, public gathering, any place that sells booze, or if you have been drinking, etc.

I know a lot of you may thing carrying guns are crazy but it’s a normal part of our Southern culture. I don’t desire to shoot anyone but we are protected from crazies and know how and when to use deadly force. So far I’ve gone 50 years without shooting anyone or being shot.

So we filled out all the forms and paid the Sherriff $150 and we are done in 90 days. The permit is good for five years unless I get caught breaking any of the rules outlined above.

We then headed down to the Magistrate’s office to charge my redneck neighbor with littering. I have had enough bricks dumped on my property.

We walked into a tiny well marked room off the main street of Concord, NC, our county seat. There sat in the 8 available seats were a Hispanic family and a Black family. A young well dressed couple was at the bullet proof glass window getting a marriage license and getting ready to get marred in the next room.

Gigi whipped out $20 and paid for the marriage license. They were delighted.

The magistrate, bride, groom and family stepped out of sight to perform the ceremony while Gigi and I waited.

Another couple came in and the woman was obviously a junkie. She was wired to the max, had very dark circles around her eyes and admitted that she had just started rehab for heroin and was taking methadone for withdrawals. She was there on a domestic charge that she wanted to file.

A bondsman came in to bail out a few clients and did his paperwork standing up.

Finally the magistrate came in and I pleaded my case. She recommended that I charge for littering and save the trespassing charge in case it is needed. Trespassing carries a higher fine and is considered a higher offense.

So I took her suggestion and filed littering and dumping charges on my redneck neighbor.

The Sherriff will now deliver the charge and tell the redneck his court date to plead his case. I will be subpoenaed to appear in court.

What an idiot he is.

Details to follow……..gosh isn't this exciting!

You Gotta Try This

I love saltine crackers and peanut butter. I prefer Zesta saltines and crunchy Jiff peanut butter to be exact.

I only eat one or two peanut butter crackers every so often to stave off hunger if I’ve missed a meal. It’s not like I sit around in my shorts and undershirt and stuff them down. I carefully prepare one with the salt side opposite where I am putting on the peanut butter as God intended.

Occasionally I’ll step it up a notch and make it with 2 crackers and peanut butter in between.

This morning I decided I wanted two of these little sandwiches and thought, “how would it be with three crackers and two layers of peanut butter?”

I decided to go for it and even filled in the sides with more peanut butter to smooth the whole treat out to a neat little block.

I figured the things would crumble when I bit into it but to my surprise and delight it stayed together and the peanut butter bond allowed me to take smaller bites than usual.

Yes it was decadent but good. This of the calories I save by leaving off one cracker too!

Beer Review

As NFL football season approaches the time has come to brush up on old tailgate recipes and test new recipes and brews.

Last night I fired up the testing grounds and bought some Johnsonville Original Brats, two ears of white corn, and bought a 6 pack of the new Heineken Light.

I cooked the brats slowly over charcoal along with the ears of corn. I simply removed the silk on the corn and recovered the ear in its own husk so the ears could stream.

Now to kick back and enjoy a beer so I grabbed a cold Heineken Light.

Heineken Light is not your typical light beer. I like all beers however expect most lights to be very mild in flavor and very light in body.

This beer was different. It had the boldness of an American Lager in a light beer. The beer in no way tasted like a regular Heineken but stood on it’s own as a nice refreshing larger.

There was a more pronounced hop taste that you expect from a Heineken but it was scaled way back from a regular Heineken.

The familiar green bottle was a little taller than it mother brew but folks around you know you are having a Heineken at a glance.

I would buy it again but warn you to stay away if you are expecting a heavy hopped full body beer.

It is a very good refreshing beer that could replace your Corona or Budweiser and cut you calories at the same time with little compromise in taste. It stands on its own.

The Most Important Possession in Life

I used to be very active in the church. In fact I am an ordained elder in the Presbyterian Church.

Every quarter I would go out with my pastor and we would visit shut-ins and give them Communion.

Most of these folks were very old and very feeble. Most would be dead by our next visit.

All of the nursing homes we visited were government sponsored and the level of care was minimal at best. In there defense it must be a struggle for them to hire qualified and caring people.

As soon as you entered the facility you learned to shut off your nose and get used to seeing very old people naked. Whew!

Back to the point…..most folks at this stage in life have consolidated their possessions down to a bare minimum.

All of them had a picture of a loved on somewhere in sight. They all had on their own night closes and a change or two around.

Most if not all then had the rest of their possessions consolidated down to a cigar or small shoe box, which usually contained grooming items, a comb, tooth brush, lotion, a few keep sakes, some religious item, and always no matter who it was functioning set of fingernail clippers.

The fingernail clippers were the common denominator with everyone no matter what.

The reason I had privy to these prized positions is that often the person would share an additional picture of a family member with us or take out that sacred religious item when we were about to give them Communion. So I could see the contents of their important stuff.

Yep, fingernail clippers topped the list every time.

Forget your fancy possessions, the only thing that really matters in life are fingernail clippers.

The Redneck Report

Today our redneck neighbor dumped another load of bricks on our disputed border.

I called the magistrates office and he suggested I file trespassing and littering charges.

Gigi and I will go to the county office on Thursday to file charges.

Enough is enough.

Yellow Tape

As most of you know, I love St. Croix, USVI. It is my favorite vacation destination by far.

I cherish the friends I have met there and find the culture there unique and quintessential Caribbean.

I could live there especially in retirement, but seriously doubt Gigi could. So I’m happy to just visit a few times a year and maybe spend a month at a time there some day.

To me the weather is more desirable than any place on the mainland. The average daytime temperature ranges from 84 in the winter to 90 in the summer. Most of the island is bathed in a strong breeze that keeps the air fresh and the temperatures tolerable.

Yes it is warm in St Croix and down right hot sometimes. However the ever present big fluffy clouds provide intermittent shade and the ocean breeze is almost always present, making the heat warm and tropical, but not stifling. The evening is always windy and pleasant in the 70s.

Because of my obsession with St Croix I tend to spend far too much time watching the harbor cam. I watch the tourists having fun and I look to see if I recognize anyone. Once I saw Big Beard a local boat captain that I have met.

We always go to St Croix in February and this year we did a bonus visit and went again in May.

During this last visit in May I wanted to leave a little something to let everyone know I was there. I wanted whatever I did to be in site of the web cam so I could see it back home in Charlotte, but not noticeable enough that someone would remove it.

I thought it would be cool to see what I left behind and think, “Hey I did that”.

What I came up with was 1 inch yellow reflective tape. I applied the tape around the ever present light pole on the boardwalk.




My sister Judy watched from Durham as I applied the tape. We laughed on the phone together as she watched. I had a Corona to celebrate on the bench in front of the cam and watched the sailboats.

Why I do this type of stuff I will never know. Somehow though, when I view the yellow tape the web cam image seems more real to me. I was there. I look forward to visiting my yellow tape again God willing and may add another color next February.

Reading

I do not like to read fiction. I never have. I cannot sit long enough and concentrate on a made up story by someone I don’t know. I do occasionally listen to books on CD, but they even bore me after a while.

I prefer silence when I drive, conversation or talk radio.

I like short stories but I don’t think anyone writes them anymore. The last ones I read as a child were O’Henry in the 1960s and they were very dated then. But I could at least hang in there and read a whole story.

When people say, “The book was so good that I couldn’t put it down”, I’m thinking, “I sure could and I don’t even know what the book was about”.

A few years ago I saw my friend Charlie spend three or four solid days reading The Da vinci Code. Heck I can’t stay comfortable for more than three minutes. How can anyone sit hours on end reading a fantasy in the same position when there is so much going on around them that is reality?

I guess I’m wired different for sure.

When people pause while reading on vacation they always have this stupid look on their face. I think their brain is still in the fantasy of the book and they are adjusting to reality and you can tell they prefer the fantasy world they just left. Good for them.

I actually read the Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck one time. The book was about four inches thick and I hung with it cover to cover. Big hairy deal, I read a classic. I’ll never get that slot of my real life back and I am scarred with the story of poor folks during the depression, plus the ending was funky.

When I married Gigi I married into a family that could spend every waking hour in a bookstore. They buy books by the pound and never read them but they love their books.

I don’t even like the way books smell. I remember the first time I walked into the school library when I was 6. Whew, those books smelled musty. And crap, I have to read them.

Personally I would rather read a shop manual or look at a catalog. Then and only then can my mind roam.

Gigi went to Tractor Supply yesterday. She picked up their catalog for me because she knew I liked that kind of stuff.

The tractor supply catalog had lots of pictures of farm implements and short descriptions. It was perfect and to the point. A compelling read. I couldn’t put the book down.

This was an especially good read because I’m going into day three without an Internet connection at home.

FAS

I have a gym in my building where I work. It’s located on the lower level of the building and it’s free to all tenants.

I truly hate to work out, but I faithfully go down every day at 2:00 PM and vigorously ride a stationary bike for at least 30 minutes. I chose a stationary bike because it’s the only cardio exercise you can do and still sit on your butt.

The only exception to my workout is if I’m playing golf that day and I will forgo the workout. I generally chase enough poorly hit balls to qualify as a workout.

Heart disease runs in my family so I figure I’ll at least give myself a fighting chance and not smoke and do a cardio workout on a regular basis.

Any of you that view my cam may have noticed around 3:00 PM I emerge in workout clothes and sit at my desk. I try to have most of my in office meetings in the morning when I am alert and fresh.

When I go down at 2 o’clock I usually energetically run down the flight of stars to the gym. When I return I generally am less enthusiastic and take the one floor ride on the elevator.

There are a lot of fat-ass smokers (FAS) in our building and the designated smoking area happens to be just outside on the basement level.

Typically I share the elevators ride up one floor with a FAS. Inevitably when they realize I’m only on for one floor they will comment that I should have taken the stairs.

I would normally have a snappy comeback but I am too tired by the time I get the insult.

Today it happened again. A FAS female all stinky with smoke, with ugly feet and bad hair color just huffed when I pressed the 1 button.

What I need is a well prepared George Costanza comeback to the FAS comments.

Any suggestions?

*If you are a fat-ass smoking American then by all means accept my apology.

Evelyn Wilson

It was an Evelyn Wilson weekend for us.

Evelyn Wilson was the mother of a mutual friend of Gigi and mine back when we were just teenagers living in Durham, NC.

Evelyn had some mid level management job at Bank of America that required long hours during the work week. Back in the 70’s it was rare for a woman to have such a job. Most working women were nurses, teachers, or worked in retail.

It was standard operating procedure that on the weekends that Evelyn would stay mostly in her robe, watch TV in bed and do nothing productive. She didn’t receive guests, talked very little to anyone including her husband and children and was basically unseen.

You might get a glimpse of Evelyn foraging for food in the Kitchen.

Those two days were Evelyn’s and she spent them anyway she wanted. In her case this was the ultimate R and R.

Back then we did not have cable or satellite TV; therefore Evelyn was confined to watching one of four local channels of which one was Public TV. Public TV was terrible back then and it was referred to as Educational TV.

I should have known an Evelyn Wilson weekend was coming.

First the weather was uninhabitable. It was hot, sticky, no breeze and was on the verge of fog most of the weekend. It was just plain old heavy outside. I don’t even plan outdoor activities whenever the dew point is in the 70’s and the windows fog.

Then there was the British Open. I stayed on the sofa most of Saturday and Sunday watching a bunch of guys play golf 6 times zones away.

Gigi stayed in bed and watched old movies, and did some beading and jewelry making.

Finally the last nail in the coffin for an official Evelyn Wilson weekend was that we lost all connectivity with the outside world when Internet connection went down.

Late Friday night a bolt of lightening hit nearby and took out the basic cable; broadband Internet and our electric fence (but please don’t tell the horses).

Losing the Internet connection really depressed me. Heck I almost lost my will to blog.

Normally I leave my laptop running 24/7 right at my chair. I constantly scan news, weather, scores, blog, check email, instant message or Google anything that crosses my mind. Trust me, a lot of things cross my mind.

I go so desperate that late Sunday I attempted to use a dialup connection that Time Warner gives you as a backup. Just for a little glimpse of Yahoo, and email I thought.

But no, it was not meant to be. In my happier broadband times, I had casually discarded my dialup password. A new password would take 24 hours to become effective.

So, as it turned out it was an Evelyn Wilson weekend and we just chilled and did nothing. That was fun.

A Warning

Just a note of warning to all you would be crooks.

We at the Hunnicutt household produce a tremendous amount of forensic evidence.

Be warned that if you commit a crime in our home, car or RV, that there is a 100% chance that you take border collie hair with you.

This hair can be matched with one of three border collies that reside here. Most likely it will be Cedie’s hair but it could be any of them.

We have a house cat too just in case as a backup forensic source.

I Was Chosen

Neighborhood tensions have reached a crescendo and apparently we have drawn the full wrath of our redneck neighbor’s teenaged children.

We woke this morning to find that we were on the receiving end of an old fashioned yard rolling.

Yes we are victims of an apparent hate crime.

As a former teenager myself I must point out a major strategic error in their rolling execution.

First, always check the weather forecast before you roll. Ideally you want the victim to see the results of your wrath.

Fortunately for me we were blessed with an inch of rain in the middle of the night. No matter how good the rolling looked, it was all mush on the ground by morning. I thought the dog had chewed up the newspaper when I discovered.

Afternoon thunderstorms are expected today so the toilet paper may completely self clean by evening. After all it is toilet paper and it is designed to break down with the introduction of water.

In a way I see this as an honor. I have rolled yards in the past but I have never been on the receiving end of a rolling.

Golf Philosophy

It was a really nice this morning here in Charlotte. It was very slow in heating up and there was a warm and constant breeze most of the morning.

I had an 8:00 AM tee time with my pal Ty at our country club. As usual he was running late but the golf course was not appearing to be crowded. I would have thought that a good crowd would be gathered by now to beat the midday heat.

We managed to get up to the number one tee box on time and started a very casual and unrushed game.

By number three, par 3 we were both getting into our game and getting relaxed. After the tee shot we rode to the green together to putt.

Ty commented, “You know, someone this morning just made a million, someone just lost a million, someone died, someone was born and someone just got the bad news that they have terminal cancer. And we are playing golf on a beautiful morning.”

I understood that of all the things going on in the world, we were now at this moment pursuing exactly what we wanted to do and didn’t just for this moment have any worries or stresses. The outside world was still spinning and full of stresses but just for now we were enjoying our life as we should always do.

This is heavy for Ty.

He shot a great front 9.

I shot an expected 102 in 18 and thoroughly enjoyed it.

It's Hard To Beat A Good Nap

Since I’m always mentally on vacation, I decided to play hooky and skip work for the rest of the week.

So after lunch I packed up, signed off the laptop and meandered home doing a few errands on the way.

Now let me point out something to the kids out there…..do not try this at home yourself. I am a trained professional.

I am self employed and can basically call my own shots when it comes to work hours. As long as someone is back to cover the phone then I am okay.

The ultimate goal was to get home by 3:00 PM and catch a nap.

Oh how I love naps but rarely get to take one anymore.

Back a few years ago I had to take a medication for epilepsy that constantly made me sleepy. I took a nap almost daily. I had to or I couldn’t make it through the day.

Now however I can make it through the day fine on the new medication and a nap is strictly a recreational treat.

So at the appointed time Gigi, the dogs Peaches, Cedie and Haley head to the bedroom, pull the shades and take a nap.

As I fall asleep, in the back of my mind I am thinking about a tee time I have in the morning at 8:00 AM. This is an early tee time for me. I usually play in the afternoon but it is too damn hot to play in the heat of the day.

I’ll have to get up at 6:00 AM, grab a bite, take a shower, and hit the practice range and then…….ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

I woke up at 4:20 and didn’t know what day it was. Oh crap! Did I over sleep? I missed my tee time!

Calm takes the place of panic when I realize it was only a nap. A darn good one at that I might add.

Never a dull moment…….

“HALEY!” Gigi screamed. “What are you chewing? Haley get! Get! Reggie, it’s a cat turd. Get something to clean it up, please.”

Oh crap I thought as I ran to get a paper towel. I thought she was over this.

“Where is it Gigi?”

“I thumped it under your chair”.

“Great, I appreciate that. Where exactly is it under my chair?”

“Don’t try to kiss me Haley!” Gigi yelled.

“I got it!” I said, “Gigi would you clean that spot with that anti-turd pet cleaner please?”