Can't They Just Get Along?

Tomorrow I am scheduled to play golf and it is going to rain. Big deal.

Now my foursome is breaking up because they may get moist.

One my partners will swim laps this afternoon for exercise and the other will snorkel at the drop of a hat. Both activities require one to be half naked and totally submersed in water. This they enjoy.

Yet the idea of moisture repulses them on a golf course.

On a completely unrelated note why is it that crows and mocking birds just can’t get along? It is common around here to see a single crow and a single mocking bird in an areal battle that lasts for some time. I’ve observed this all my life.

Prepare For Summer!

Sunday I waxed the Jeep and the full red color came sparkling back from neglect during the winter.

Next the roof came off and Cedie and I went for a long drive in the country.

The air was cool in the low 60’s but I didn’t care. I turned on the heat and drove no faster than 45 MPH to conserve the heat bubble around my legs and feet.

This coming Saturday promises sunny and 77 so the boat is definitely coming out. I’m dying to get back to the peace and calm of the lake.

Hopefully I can find that family of muskrats I saw last year. I know if you live on a lake or maintain a pond they are not so cute because they destroy dams and seawalls. They are darn cute in the water.

This year I plan a few custom additions to my Porta-Bote like a lightweight plank floor for my dog to sit on and for the gas tank and or cooler to sit on. Otherwise everything (dog included) tends to funnel down to the middle of the boat. I don’t know how many times my cooler tipped over last summer causing potential beer hardship.

I found this cool swivel that attaches to my plank seats so I can add a fold down swivel seat with a back. Now that’s high styling.

Oh and I found a cheap battery bilge pump to keep the water out from waves splashing over. No more hand bailing for this man.

I’ll have my Bote so loaded down this summer that it may not float.

Sorry You Died Guys

I hate it when I discover an entertainer I really like and discover that they are dead.

This has happened to me twice this year.

The first is a comedian by the name of Mitch Hedberg. He is a very funny dude that I started hearing on Raw Dog satellite radio. So I Googled him and found out he died in 2005.

So much for any new material but he left me an abundance of funny stuff to keep me busy for a long time. Thank you Mitch.

The second entertainer is a musician named Stevie Ray Vaughn. Man can that guy play a guitar is an understatement.

I listen to Texas Flood and just melt into the blues.

Sorry guys…I didn’t appreciate you when you were alive.

PC Blues

I got a nasty stinking virus this past week and it took me days to shake it. I know exactly when I caught it too because things started acting strange to me right away.

It was my dear old rebuilt laptop that caught the bug not me.

I am struggling along with this 3 year old PC not wanting to spend $1500 for a new one. I never buy the low end $399 Acers at Wal-Mart because I want speed and power.

Last week I got a CD in the mail from a friend with photos on it from our February trip to St Croix. The CD was made at the CVS pharmacy shop so I felt safe to pop it right in and have a look see.

The next day my computer was bogged down and pop up were flying everywhere. My virus vault was full and the Trojan virus was replicating itself. No matter how many times I cleaned it the darn thing kept coming back.

Then I realized just yesterday that the beast had taken up residence in my “Restore” area of my computer. I finally cornered the little bastard and now everything is back to normal.

I gave my MIL a lesson on her $399 Wal-Mart Acer laptop yesterday. It was like trying to teach a pig to whistle. It ain’t going to happen and you’ll just end up pissing off the pig. She is totally and completely mouse deficient.

Something between the hand, the eye and the brain is completely burned out.

I was going to put her on my new Wii Fit for laughs and giggles but Gigi reined me in and told me to act nice.

Please Mr. President

I got to tell you I see a disaster coming and no one sees it but me.

I’m watching nightly how the local townsfolk are sandbagging the banks of a cresting Red river in North Dakota.

Two things can be done to avoid a white folk’s version of Katrina.

First, get your ass out of there now. I said now!

Second, the President himself needs to stand on the banks of the river and command that the water dissipate. You’ll recall the accusations that George Bush refused to use his God Like powers of the Presidency to command the waters go away in New Orleans because he wanted to kill the poor blacks.

Yes this all makes perfect sense now. I’m going to put on my tin foil hat and wait.

2 Days Off

We are in for another 4 day cold/rain/fog blast ending with severe thunderstorms and wind. Such is spring in the south.

Yesterday I played golf in the cold rain with the only person who could be considered my boss. I call him a boss because he alone could step on my air hose should the need arise and end my job and worse yet my career.

So I treat him with respect but he is actually a good friend and mentor. Yes people in their early 50’s still have mentors. There is always room for improvement.

Upon seeing the forecast for golf I went out to Dick’s and bought a golf rain suit and rain gloves.

I don’t usually play in the rain but will if it is light rain.

Sure as shit we tee off on number one and it begins to rain. I whoop out my spiffy new rain suit and gloves and I am warm and dry and continue a decent game.

By number 6 the others look like wet dogs and play was halted.

Any way I took the rest of the day off and actually I’m taking today off as well. I needed a rest after the stress of the audit.

Today, I’m going to get a massage, lunch with Gigi at the club and get a haircut.

The mother in law will be in this evening for the weekend. My epileptic dog has already started turning circles at her impending arrival.

Spring, Audits and Taxes Oh My

I have my annual internal audit today. I hate audits because I hate details. I’m a big picture guy in the role of an accountant today and this make my head smoke. There will definitely be an ozone smell in the office by 5 PM.

The fact that I’ll be hanging around until 5 PM make me tired.

Gigi and I are on the verge of a home remodel. We have the plans, the estimates, good credit, decent income, and home equity. The problem is we have unusual property and it takes someone with balls to give us an appraisal.

8 acres, a house and a small unconnected guest house, and a barn was impossible for the last person to assign a number and therefore no loan.

We have tentatively decided on a return to St Croix episode 16. It looks like the first week of September barring any hurricanes or home remodels.

The place we have decided on is a tiny one bedroom villa located in the Cane Bay area. This is a view from the deck with waves crashing below.

Oh I just about forgot. I’m playing golf tomorrow for the first time since December. It’s supposed to be 49 degrees and raining. Whoop dee damn doo. That ought to get the blood ah pumping.

Monday...Okay

I drove to a wedding this weekend in Baltimore Maryland. It was my last nephew to give in and he finally jumped the broom at 30 something.

The wedding was nice and it is always good to see family.

But the driving was to be 500 miles each way. It was a distance that makes me consider air travel.

I reasoned that the weather was nice and a good road trip can be good for the soul. Plus air fare for both of us was around $450 plus airport hassles and this money could be squandered in more fun ways than flying to Baltimore.

We decide to break the trip going up with a stopover in Richmond. That was fun. We stayed at a nice hotel in downtown, ate a fancy dinner, and ordered room service for breakfast.

There, that was $300 spent of the airfare and it was a discounted rate because of the recession. Plus we got some good time together to laugh and bond.

On to Baltimore and the wedding…..

Coming back we did it all in one run. I did fine, we talked listen to the radio, talked some more and the finally pulled in the driveway around 5 PM.

I then started a crashing mode that literally had me in bed by 6:30 PM and here I just woke up at 6:30 AM. Wow, 12 hours of deep restful sleep.

One cool dream I remember was that I was on my deck looking around and noticed a body of water for the first time. It had been obscured by a bush for the past 20 years. I brought out my shears to cut back the bush and it threatened me with bodily harm if I took to cutting on her.

I cut it down to a stump. I’m not having a bush threatening me I thought.

On the Road Again...

Gigi and I are in Richmond, Virginia this evening. We got a great rate at the Omni and it is what I expected. Very nice accommodations discounted for a recession.

I entered the room and immediately took off my pants for comfort.

I told Gigi, “Ali does this you know.”

“How in the hell do you know about Ali taking her britches off?”

“She blogged about it once and took a picture.”

Gigi here…..
For those that are faint of heart or easily nauseated you might not want to read this part!!
But You know you will anyway right????
Wreggie is getting ready to shower at Hotel & says “now you know the bar of soap is going directly on my butt? So are you sure you don’t want to go first??”
Me “you mean you are literally going to stick the bar ‘up there’ ???? ooooohhhhhh!!!!” “Why can’t you just soap up your hands or a washcloth….please??”
Wreggie “ No way, it’s soap anyway & I rinse it off”
Me “ I don’t do it that way & I just don’t think it’s ‘proper’ aka sanitary ….oh well , I’m using the hand soap : )!!!!!

Oh hush woman…

Tin Foil Hat

I’ve always loved technology. This inbred nerd streak served me well in the 1990’s. I loved to stay on top of computers and software.

I couldn’t wait yesterday for the 3.0 iPhone release details and now I can daydream about the possibilities.

Gigi remarked that I was acting like I did back when DOS 6.0 was released. Yes, I was one of the nerds in the parking lot waiting for the midnight release outside of Egghead Computers.

I am no longer cutting edge because technology has forked in so many directions.

What I know is I want technology to serve me.

I love my iphone more that I ever thought I would. The possibilities are endless with this new upgrade due out in the summer.

It reminds me back about 9 years ago when I attended a conference. A speaker there that I can’t for the life of me remember his name told us about all the wonderful things we could expect in the next 10 years. This guy was dead on predicting storage would be measured in terabytes that broadband and wireless networks like 3G would be common, that medical information could flow remotely from the patient to the doctor and back.

He told us that computers would be tiny and handheld.

Did you see the new iPhone application that will measure blood pressure and pulse and send it to you doctor if you ask?

My medical records are going completly digital I was informed. No longer will hand written prescription be given out and soon I could download my complete records on a memory, Google Health, or my iPhone. This type of stuff is not good for the tin foil hat crowd but I love it.

This speaker also warned of pending doom in the housing markets. Damn I wish I could remember who he was.

Sliders Anyone?

The restaurant downstairs in our building had a special on their board yesterday for “2 Grecian Chicken Sliders”. That sounds so gross that I want to do a back flip and puke.

I’m sorry; a slider is not a good name for any food.

We are headed to a wedding this weekend in Baltimore, MD and I can’t wait to get out of town. In fact I’m leaving a night early so Gigi and I can have a romantic evening at the Richmond Omni.

I have a big fancy room reserved. We’ll get in early and stay late and order as much room service as needed.

I always carry a swim suit when I go to a nice hotel thinking that I’ll swim. I love to swim in the blue salty waters of the Caribbean however when I walk in to a steamy heated closed in hotel pool area thick with a chlorine fog I can only think of foot fungus and dead bacteria floating around me.

I’ll carry my swim suit again, not yellow boy of course but a back up just in case.

Well I have to run now and check the chickens, clean out the Roomba, and unload some hay.

Tree Sex and Ball Games

My property is a quagmire from so much rain and more rain is to come today. I think Sassy is so sick of the bad weather that she would spill her bowels if she could find a sharp object and had opposable thumbs.

Oh…and I have a sick chicken in my bath tub. Her name is Ashley and she is the youngest hen. Gigi is in full doctoring mode and has been reading up on chickens. She was opposed to me getting chickens and now she wants a bigger coop.

I am trying so hard to enjoy college basketball but it just doesn’t do it for me anymore. I was happy for my nephew that Duke won the ACC tournament and I watched the whole game. But afterwards, I felt unfulfilled and switched over to golf.

It annoys me when someone refers to a sporting event as a “ball game”.

“Is there a ball game on tonight?” my FIL will ask.

“Why sure, there’s bowling on ESPN89, or ping pong on ESPN Classic 76, or basketball on ESPN 2, golf on the Golf channel, football on the NFL channel. What kind of ball are you referring to?”

We have been warned that as soon as this rain stops we’d better be prepared for massive tree sex. Our city is ranked third in the nation for pollen and the yellow clouds are just days away.

Can you tell I’m a bit grouchy this morning?

Newspapers

This morning I am slowing cooking some peppery thick sliced bacon to go with my home grown eggs and reading the Wall Street Journal online while sipping rich coffee.

Winter still clings here. It has rained for days and the temperatures hover around 40 day and night. This pattern should continue for a few more days.

I don’t read conventional news papers anymore. I read the Wall Street Journal extensively every day online. I align my thoughts with many of their editorial opinions and enjoy their fine journalistic writings on many subjects. This newspaper has great content and I pay $79 a year for it.

What I find intriguing is that once a month or so I’ll email the writer of a particular article and more often than not they’ll write me back.

I also read The Charlotte Observer Online mainly for sports, local business and news. Sometimes I email a comment the writers too but never have any written me back.

A local paper verses a national paper. Free subscription Verses a paid subscription.

I think if more people knew how to use an RSS reader like Google reader then papers like The Charlotte Observer would be ancient history. I certainly wouldn’t pay for their fluff.

Counting My Eggs Before They are Laid

I collected my first two eggs yesterday afternoon. Gigi and I were so excited.

I had gone out to toss a muffin stump in the coop and decided for a look see and there they were two light brown eggs in a cartoon looking chicken nest.

I figure with the cost of the coop and the chickens that I was looking at 2 eggs worth $100 a piece. That’s okay…I’m having fun and living large.

I checked the nest box this morning and I was greeted by a big Golden Comet chicken ass settling down to lay an egg. Make that $67 an egg.

I left them the contents of a crushed up bag of stale Doritos and they seemed pleased.

Eggs Tomorrow?

“Dude…have you ever touched a chicken?” my colleague asked.

“No”

Tonight I’ll be a chicken farmer….not a chicken rancher. Google chicken ranch and you’ll see what I mean.

I have been tweaking my chicken tractor for a week now and yes chicken tractors need tweaking. I had to paint it with wood protection and make some adjustments to the doors for the nesting boxes.

This morning I checked the fit of the doors and wild birds had started building nests in the nesting boxes. That is a positive sign I thought.

Today I felt confident enough to go ahead and get some chickens. I looked on Craig’s list and a fellow wanted to sell a lot of 30 all or none. I called Renfro Hardware and it turns out this is the New York Stock Exchange of chickens around these parts. They have all kinds of chickens but they are chicks and need to mature before laying eggs.

I want eggs now so I called a fellow on Craig’s list and he has plenty that are 9 months old and laying.

I will pick up six Black Sex Link Pullets at 5:30.

The chicken adventure begins.

New Words

About a month ago I was on the island of St Croix and I was eating lunch prior to departure at the local hangout for tourists called Cheeseburgers in American Paradise. (Yes they had to change their name for threats from Jimmy Buffet some years ago)

One of our group members…I’ll call him Joe, because his name is Joe, asked the waitress for a ramekin of ranch dressing.

“A ramekin…huh…WTF?”, I thought.

The waitress said okay and I’m beginning to quiz Joe.

“Joe, what the hell is a ramekin?”

Judy starts laughing.

“Why it’s a small bowl Wreggie.”

Soon the waitress returned with a small plastic cup/bowl of dressing.

Judy said, “They use that word a lot.”

I personally never heard the word and neither had Gigi.

Tonight Gigi and I were at supper at Outback Steakhouse and Gigi quizzed the waiter.

“Sir, what is this called”, while pointing to a small bowl of butter.

“Why that is a ramekin mamm."

Enjoy the video.......

Peaches is A New Girl

Yesterday Peaches had a few doggy accidents and acted miserable so I drove her to the vet to see if there was anything we could do.

Peaches was sure I was going to off her and she was shaking like a leaf. They actually put us in the exam room where I have put down a cat and a dog of mine. I comforted her while she trembled and panted.

The vet examined her, watched her walk, get up and get down. Weighed her and collected a urine specimen.

She has a blazing kidney infection which is fixable. Her back legs hurt from all the years of Frisbee catching and that can be fixed with doggy pain meds. She has lost 11 pounds which was deliberate and good for her.

Today she is a new dog enjoying life.

Blast From My Past

This was part of my childhood growing up in a tobacco and cigarette manufacturing town. We had both Leggett and Meyers Tobacco Company and American Tobacco Company.

Every fall the auction houses would be full of cured full leaf tobacco from the recent harvest. Farmers would come to these auctions to sell their crops and as a child I would sneak away from time to time to see the excitement.

The rich smell of tobacco enveloped the city and the tobacco leaves that blew from covered trucks landed on sidewalks like fall leaves.

This was the lifeblood of Durham’s economy…the town where I grew up.

Hmmmm....

Notice the nose, lipless mouth and hair. Could accused master mind of the mother of all ponzi schemes Burney Madoff be George Washington?

He stole so much money he looks like a dollar bill.

How to Self Destruct a Liberal – They Can’t Help It

Anyone who knows me knows that when it comes to politics I am right of a Libertarian. So steadfast and unique in my views am I that I decided no political party could represent me so I went unaffiliated last year.

What is curious is I tend to attract friends and clients that are politically polar opposites of my political views. They tend to range from old line yellow dog Chicago/Roosevelt union democrats to Hollywood greenhouse gas regulate everything because absolute government is good liberals.

What I have found in common with them all is if exposed to their Kryptonite it will make them cringe like a vampire staring at a crucifix and will result in them collapsing into a babbling pile of mush.

I was talking to a client Thursday and simply asked in these exact words, “What do you think of the President’s economic stimulus package?”

I realized that the introduction of politics even at this arms length level would expose her raw angry liberal side. She couldn’t help herself and within 70 seconds she was berating Sara Palin like she was running the federal government.

It used to be that Dick Chaney would self district a liberal but I’ve gotta say this new and more powerful Sara Palin Kryptonite is impressive at bringing a polar bear loving tree hugger to the point of spewing angry hate at a woman with a bun in no time at all.

Give it a try …next time you are talking to a liberal just toss out the name of Sara Palin and watch the fun unfold. They can’t help themselves.

Life's Thresholds

My dear friend and confidant Peaches has crossed the doggy threshold of her rear end giving out. This is not good.

She is unable suddenly to get up and down and she is having accidents. This just started a few days ago.

I know the signs but just for today I am in denial. Gigi will take her to the vet this morning for an evaluation.

On a brighter note Gigi will soon cross her own threshold and turn 50. I have been telling her that now is the time to cut off your hair and get it styled to look like a gaseous planet.

Or I ask openly…”Hey…I wonder what its like to have a roll in the hay with a 50 year old woman?”

She replies, “Oh shut up or I’ll whoop your ass.”

Oh by the way General Motors….take it like a man and file bankruptcy. You have a failed and outdated business model. Enough begging for money to stay alive.

Reorganize and come out competitive. Make something I want and I will buy it.

This Makes Me Mad Too

I had lunch today with a group of my peers and the speaker was noted CNBC conservative economist Marci Rossell. It was intriguing to hear about what she thought of the current banking crisis.

Her “warm up” was a fellow from a product sponsor that paid her fees trying to pump up some of his xyz product.

He was a speaker that constantly asked questions and expected audience responses.

Please don’t do this to me ass lips. Tell what you have to say as best as you can. The act of switching my powerful brain from listening to thinking and back to listening angers me. I don’t participate in “showing of hands” about what I think either. Just leave me alone and tell me a story.

More Good Things are Happening

I got the crown put on this morning and I can mouth breathe again.

Recently I applied for my 2 free government converter box coupons that Santa Fed is giving out. The bastards only sent me one card. I remembered I needed these boxes in my RV to update over the air station when I am traveling local and don’t want to take the satellite dish.

I went to Radio Shack at lunch with my $40 coupon and a fellow approaches me and asked if I was about to buy that converter box. He had one in his hands he was about to return to get his $20 back.

The way this thing works is the box costs $59.99 and the coupon is good for $40 off netting a cost of $20.

This fellow offered to sell me his box for $20 so he wouldn’t have to stand in line.

I bought his box and another with my coupon and that was as good as having two coupons.

Nana nana boo boo feds.

I'm Not Really a Grouchy Person

I’m getting the feeling that you folks think I complain too much so as of today I'm turning over a new leaf.

It is a wonderfully crisp 19 degrees this morning with a refreshing wind. This makes the cold mo better.

I had a temporary crown fall out yesterday and wouldn’t you know it the cold wind on an exposed tooth nerve makes you know you are very alive. Very exhilarating it was.

I tried to call my rascally dentist but he was closed because of all the beautiful snow that had fallen. Closed also was his emergency back up and every other dentist in town yesterday.

But not to worry, I learned not to mouth breathe as much and that is a wonderful thing.

Yep...It's the End of the World

Is it just me or does anyone else gets annoyed by toast scraping?

I was at Cracker Barrel the other morning and this fellow beside me was applying a very thin and even coat of butter to his well cooked toast. He was very fastidious doing this all the while making this annoying scraping sound.

It gave me the urge for a well placed liver punch but I decided to be nice. The old fart was obviously enjoying his toast scraping and I figured someone two tables down from me was annoyed by something I was doing.

We got 4 inches of snow last night so you know what that means…oatmeal for breakfast and a general state of emergency for this southern town. All the schools are closed and the local TV stations have multiple reporters on live cams scraping their feet on streets to show us just how slick they are.

Since I call the shots at my office I have instituted “Operation end of the world” whereby we forward the phone extensions to our cell phones and fire up the instant messenger and work from home. This also calls for me to put on my rarely used Fire Marshall green reflective vest since this is an emergency situation.

I Am Not A Fan of Rain

I find it really disgusting how water is delivered to earth.

Right now we are in the middle of a three inch rain storm that has gone on for two days and promises to end with 2 to 4 inches of snow.

Everything is a cold soggy mess.

Wouldn’t it have been nicer to have rain spew from geysers in a controlled fashion that would save us from this disgusting mess?

Even my dogs are disgusted with this nasty event.

Geysers with a piping system would work better. It would be sunny every day and the sky would be cloudless.

Make your opinion known and vote in the right column.