My Upcoming Gay-cation

You know...it was good to be back at the

tailgate site last night and good to be back in the stadium watching football.

But preseason in general sucks. It was very hot. The fans are very casual football fans that don't understand the game like regular season fans. (don't scream while our offense is on the field) But again the grills were

smoking and the laughs were many.

This week will be abbreviated for me. On Wednesday I put Margaret on the plane at 6 AM to return to St Croix. We have enjoyed her visit. She is a good house guest. Then I will get on board at 12:30 PM to the same destination for a week of island time.

Originally Gigi and I planned to go and have a romantic week and renew our vows...but it turned out that the fellow that was to do the vows was called away on personal matters. Gigi being the home body decided to stay back and I asked a friend Ty if he would like to go instead and enjoy the island. I didn't want to waste the air miles.

Now I am going to have a gay-cation as my office assistant has called it.

While I'm down I plan to install a webcam and two exhaust vents at the Pickled Greek. I hope to do some massive snorkeling...maybe turtle watching, college football watching, hiking, perhaps boating, and who knows what along with the occasional stop at an open air bar to sip a Caribe with lime and stare at the blue ocean.

Today I need to catch up on man chores like grass cutting and such and unpack from tailgating.

New For 2009 Season

A man tailgate bar and sauce rack.

Now the corrugated tailgate can be used as actual prep surface and my collection of hot and tasty sauces has a home.

Sleep

I sleep very well most every night. I sleep long, deep and uninterrupted every night. More than 8 hours every night. I take naps. Yes all this and I'm not ashamed.

I read often about Americans getting by on 6 hours and how dangerous this is to ones general health. I have family members that resist sleep nightly forcing themselves to stay up to watch a shitty movie. I know of no movie that is better than the fantastic dreamland I am about to enter.

I fall asleep easily and quickly, almost at will. I wake up refreshed.

In the morning I see Facebook entries from people that were up late into the night. Good for them I suppose but I was flying around in a jet pack playing sky polo or something fantastic.

Maybe this gift is some wonderful side effect of me being an epileptic? Who knows. Right now I'll continue to bathe myself in these wonderful laid back alpha waves while I sip coffee and enjoy the morning.

Sweet dreams.

I SLEPT IN TED KENNEDY’S BED

Time for a repeat of a post a few years ago. I love conservative polictics because I'm always right. hahahah.

I SLEPT IN TED KENNEDY’S BED

Why That is Preposterous!

I took a long satisfying pull on my cigarette and inhaled deeply.

That settles it....I'm going to try it.

For 30 minutes I had been watching men flying around effortlessly on jet back packs and it looked fun to me.

I found the guy renting them and he informed me that they rented for $300 for five minutes and in increments of five minutes.

"Why sir...that is preposterous!"

Yes I said preposterous because I remember saying it.

"Sir, I could spend $300 in a strip club and be entertained all evening. You can keep your damn jet pack!" and I stormed off.

I remember making that comparison for the entertainment value of $300 too.

The rest of my dreams last night were pretty dull.

I have a 10 minute rule myself.....

Here is what I know

I have never run out of content to blog about. lately I have been just too damn lazy to type.

Yesterday I bought goat meat to make goat water which is a goat stew I love from the Caribbean. One doesn't buy goat meat in the grocery store beside beside pork and chicken.

There is a Muslim market in the "ethnic" part of town where they sell allowed meats according to Islamic law. Pork is a no-no however however testicles are allowed. I saw them.

I walked in and a middle eastern man was talking passionately on the phone like he was in the heat of the biggest argument of his life. He saw me (a customer) and abruptly hung up the phone and was all smiles. He took me back to the butcher shop where I saw animal balls with a price per pound. I don't recall how much nuts are going for these day in Charlotte in case you want to do some price comparison. Then he brought out a goat carcass and I nearly fainted. It looked like a skinned dog without a head. There was very little meat. It was mostly ribs and tendons.

We decided to take a quarter of it and he tossed the carcass on the band saw table and began cutting away passionately with a whirling band saw blade just inches from his fingers.

When he was making change I noticed he was missing three digits.

The goat stew was marvelous....better than what I get on the island. Sorry Smokies.

Oldie......

Sometime after the earth's crust had cooled and the Wright brothers first flight but before Woodstock. Reggie and his sister Judy circa 1965.

Doings at the Homestead

Margaret will come visiting from St Croix next Tuesday night late...very late for me. Off season flights to and from the island are always late night.

In advance of her visit we have been cleaning up (dumping accumulated junk) from the guest house. Secretly I have been on a mission of converting the living area of the guest house into a man cave but my plot was discovered yesterday when I ordered high definition TV and moved the flat panel in from the RV. She didn't notice the beer stockpile accumulating in the frig and the bag of Costco wings in the freezer.

On the main house we started repairs to the front where years of poor design poured rainwater against wood causing windows and who knows what else to rot.

We put in new windows and discovered the seal band was rotten as Ned's ass. All this is fixed now awaiting new shake shingle siding and the water diversion problem is fixed. We are now left with a very noticeable atmospheric change in out house.

We had no idea just how leaky the old windows were compared to the new windows. It is quieter and much dryer already.

Powerful Peckers in Politics

We have this rivalry down here between North Carolina and South Carolina. Basically it is between two high office elected officials and just how much trouble they can get into with their penises.

Former NC US Senator John Edwards trumped SC Governor Mark Stanford's extramarital affair by admitting he was the baby daddy of Rielle Hunter's baby. How trashy is that?

Take that South Carolina. We're number one!

The power of the crotch is amazing and it doesn't seem to wane with age I might add.

I had a friend once who after three failed marriages admitted that his penis cost him more than a heroin habit.

Well...anyway...Governor...it's your move now.

What I Learned at the Doctor

Just call me stretch. Yesterday I went to the doctor for my annual physical. First things first is they measure your height. I don't know why they brother I know I am 5'6 and 3/4 and call my self 5'7" just for the added confidence.

Okay Mr. H, 5 feet 8 inches.

"What? Are you sure?"

"Yes, 5 feet 8 inches."

Wow...this really changes things for me. First my height to weight ratio is more in line so that is as good as loosing a few pounds. I might give a shot at growing a few more inches so the ratio will be perfect.

Perhaps I will eventually grow into my head.

I may take a stab at summer basketball leagues.

I can now stand on the second row at the Christmas parade.

I can go confidently into the Big and Tall stores.

I bet I'll start earing more money and the chicks will come flocking soon too.

Is This Cheating?

I plan to hit the island running in September. You all know know that I am all about my comfort and I have established the fact I have a big head. Add the fact that I love to swim and snorkel and you created a conflict of dragging a big blunt head in water. This would slow anyone down.

What is the solution?

Check out these Aqua man fins. Between these and my foot fins I should be parting the water like a sperm whale.

Go Ahead and Laugh

Notice anything in this picture? Yeah...the guy with the giant head on the right. I swear the older I get the more I look like Fred Flintstone.

Compare my head to the two pin heads to the left.

Now compare me to this gorilla. Gees.

Annual Physical

I have my annual physical Wednesday morning and I dread it.

When I was young they were so routine. I would sit there all young and firm and he would tell me I am fine and healthy.

Now the doctor takes pot shots at my body and lifestyle and after 10 minutes of insults and probing he sticks his finger up my butt and tosses me some tissues. Then he write scripts for the drug cocktail that keep me alive and as healthy as I am.

I'll be having a lot of self esteem tomorrow. Yep.

Are You At Your Desk?

I get this question a lot from a select "old school" group of clients that somehow think that I can't work unless I am sitting at my desk in my leased space talking on my leased phone surround by old school office noise with a suit and tie on.

The truth is I use the same computer and phone at work and home. Same Internet and same phone signal. The only difference is my location yet that bothers some folks. So if I am at Starbucks sipping a latte (Wreggie doesn't do that) I am just as equipped as if I am sitting at my "desk" drinking rot gut office coffee. Stop asking the question of where am I and ask me the real question.

I have joined the social networks Facebook and Twitter.

Twitter was mainly to keep up with the training camp of the Carolina Panthers. They have someone on the sideline with darn near a live feed and I like to know what is going on. Other that that I don't care what you are doing.

Facebook is different. I have reconnected with some old friends and realized why a lot of people I chose to disconnect a long time ago. I love the banter from everyday folks I know or knew in an earlier life but grow tired of all the "Farmville" crap whatever than is.

I have been defriended twice from two females I knew from the past. Both are Joan Biaz type hairy armpit liberals and they just couldn't bear to know someone with a polar opposite opinion was connected to them by electrons. I don't spout off any more than they do. Oh I take an occasional shot over the liberal bow but no harm is intended. I guess they thought I would have "got my mind right" in the last 30 years. Oh well...I miss them.

Some people on Facebook are eternally optimistic. I don't buy that. Sometimes things suck and that is okay. That's life.

One of My Featured Trees

I love coconut trees. I love the way they look, the way they sound in the wind and I love especially where they are located. This is one of my favorite trees on St Croix. Can you guess where?

It's fun to take the fruit and chop it open to get to the water. The water mixes darn well with Gin too.

Here is another hint. See the tree in the above picture? Give up? Okay see the little pink and blue squares on the waterfront just to the right of that yellow building with the pier?

That my friend is the Fort Christian Brew Pub. It is the only place on the island to get a draught beer and a fresh craft beer. I personally know several famous drinkers on the island that have their name etched on a plaque there for drinking over 1000 of their fine beers.

Just to the left of that pink canopy is the coconut tree in the first shot.

I was sitting there last February with Gigi, Terry and Michael when I thought it would be good to remember this beautiful tree with a picture.

And here was some of that great beer that day after we para sailed. Okay...were were testing. Flying around make one thirty you know.

How I spent My Saturday

I spent an entire Saturday getting my lawn mower started. It began when I finally decided to replace the old dry rotted rear tires. I was tired of going down to the shed and seeing the two back dry rotted tires flat once again. So I pumped up the tires and jump started the engine. Did I mentioned I needed a new battery too?

Oh well...I figured a few new parts were cheaper than buying a new lawn tractor at $1500. I like keeping what I got and like (aka the wife and St Croix) and besides I pride myself in maintaining things. In my truck and Jeep I change oil when it is due, same for tires, brakes, parts etc.

But a mower is a source of misery so I walk a fine line between keeping it working and avoiding buying a new yard misery machine.

I jacked up the back of the tractor, popped the pins and carefully laid the parts aside for reassembly. I kept the Woodard pin or Johnson rod or whatever it is called in the axle.

The first place I went to was closed. I swear I thought Cross Roads Tire was open on Saturday. I drove the opposite direction to the local lawn maintenance company. They had one tire in stock.

"No Problem I'll take it."

It took them 40 minutes to get the new one on. The bead wouldn't seat so they had to use an inner tube.

Off to the second place and they were out of my size completely. I did notice two Russian fellows here that I saw at the first shop negotiating equipment prices.

The third place was in midtown Charlotte and they had my size. Another 45 minute wait but this time the two Russians came in so I watched them argue the price down on a blower.

By now it was noon and I headed home. I installed the wheels but was missing the aforementioned key that I left in the axle. While I was gone the horse boarder had seen my filthy neglected tractor and taken it upon himself to wash it thereby washing the key away in the gravel. The wheels won't turn without it.

I head out and three stops later I find a replacement key for 45 cents. I put it all together and it works like a charm....but I forgot to buy a battery.

One more trip...battery installed and the tractor is as good as new and it is 4:30 and I am lighter $200 and not a blade of grass cut yet.

Just for today....

Today...just for now...all is right in my world.

My bills are paid and I still have money left over.

I feel good. I had a great massage and fantastic workout yesterday. I slept well and woke up early completely rested.

I have a light schedule today and dinner tonight with a new friend. She is a fellow St Croix nerd like myself. I met her on Facebook. Our spouses will be there while Doris and I snort and pound our plastic pocket protectors and the island and our experiences.

The weather today will be fantastic and I will drive my Jeep with the top down.

So just for now I am enjoying bliss and contentment. Who knows what the day will bring.

Training Camp (yes I am an NFL nerd)

Yesterday was fun! I took the day off...diverted my phone...waxed up the Jeep, loaded the cooler and took a road trip.

The weather was clear and hot. I was joined by Gigi, our friend Ashlee, and my coworker Ty.

We headed down to Spartanburg, SC to watch training camp of the Carolina Panthers.

Driving in an open Jeep with 4 adults and 4 cylinders on Interstate highway is exhilarating for me. It was a challenge to maintain 65 MPH in the hilly terrain and the tire noise from tractor trailers could be deafening at times.

Once there we found a shady spot and watched while Gigi and Ashlee went off in search of autographs.

We headed back under or just ahead of a huge and powerful thunderstorm. Between the 4 of us with iPhones and Blackberries we were able to call up doplar radar and commenteries and warnings about the storm to avoid being hit. You see, I left the top back at home so I had to avoid this storm.

Kinda Strange

Yesterday I had one of those out of body surreal experiences and I wasn't asleep.

It had been raining here most of the weekend and I was going nuts being indoors.

I decided to return a few items to Lowe's and then on to Harris Teeter to pick up a prescription. I walked into Lowe's Home Improvement and it was just me and the return lady. It went so quickly and smoothly that I just knew I was living in 2101 or something. Zip zap and it was back on a little piece of plastic I carry on my pocket that proves I have money.

When I got to Harris Teeter (a local upscale grocery chain) it got weirder. This place was packed with people talking loudly and moving about. Everyone looked like caricatures of people. To the right was fruits and vegetables and they almost looked perfectly fake.

People walking by me smiled with politeness.

I walked past the 20 pr so checkout lines and I was thinking, "My God is this real?". All these people, all of these props, all of this merchandise, and all of this talking and vocal verbal communication. This place bordered on the intensity you get in a high intensity club at 1 AM. I just wanted to pull up a chair and watch after I ordered my drink.

I went over to the pharmacy and tried to explain to the pharmacist (a friend) what I was experiencing. She kept looking onto my eyes to see what I was on.

"It's nothing. I've just been cooped up too long".

Grades

I just found a box with all my grades from 1st through college. Wow I was an under achiever.

Tis The Season

It's almost football tailgate time again and you know what that means....yes time to armor plate the truck like an allied hummer in Iraq.

This year I have decided to install Jimmi Jammers to deter the wild west lawlessness of downtown Charlotte. These little metal plates are bolted under the plasric door locks to offer the thieves some resistance when they decide to take what belongs to me.

Now instead of a busted door lock and the contents of my truck stolen I fully expect screwdriver pry marks around my door lock and busted windows with the contents of my truck stolen.

I may install a noisy car alarm to draw attention after they shatter my windows. I think I can get one for around $150 installed.

My hope is that if I can make my truck a little more trouble to break into then the thieves will move on to easier targets.

We have three scheduled night games this year possibly more later in the season to accommodate TV scheduling.

I'll report back after the first break in attempt because you just know it's going to happen.

The most stolen cars in NC all qualify for Cash for Clunkers.

1 Honda Accord 1996

2 Honda Civic 1995

3 Ford F150 Series 1997

4 Jeep Cherokee/Grand Cherokee 1996

5 Toyota Camry 1993

6 Ford Explorer 2002

7 Ford Taurus 2001

8 Dodge Caravan 1994

9 Chevrolet Full Size C/K 1500 Pickup 2000

10 Ford Ranger 1996

Two Recession Observations

Give money directly to the people and it will have instant results. Cash for Clunkers proves this. So why take our money away in the first place just to give it back? Wouldn't a tax credit be more efficient?

Recessions purge waste and spawn efficiency. We will come out leaner and less wasteful and more efficient.