You Ever Get the Idea That I Exagerate?

Oh I have been a bad man today. I took Origami II out through treacherous waters toward Little Cumberland Island.

We landed on a small barrier island and released a pack of egg sucking dogs. These dogs were able to eradicate both the nesting birds and turtles in a few minutes.

I urinated on an oyster bed.

We left behind a colony of these dogs to populate the island.

I took a few moments to change my outboard motor's oil. Once I dumped the oil and trash we headed back to Jekyll for the future assault on Little Cumberland.

I need to find some more egg sucking dogs and toxic pollutants for my next visit.

The Hooch

Here is our outdoor setup this morning. I made this awning extension to protect us from sun and rain. It worked!

This is my outdoor kitchen with two stoves, two grills and a fryer. That is a yellow squirrel fan to the right to create my own "trade winds".

Supper this evening. My sister Etta to the right, her husband Al to the left of her, Uncle Wendell in the blue left and his wife Barbara to the left, Peach Pod in front left, then Diane center and her husband Bill, then Gigi walking with a dish. More were there but the fast eaters moved on.

Sometimes Things Work Out Just Fine

Yesterday afternoon we were visited by a thunderstorm of Biblical proportions. I heard the thunder coming and rushed out to cover the Jeep and secure the tent room.

Thunder storms down here are never in the distance. They hit directly with numerous strikes that are instantaneous in the report. One can literally hear the lightening cracking through the air many times very close by.

In about 30 minutes the power went off.

A potential problem arises when you have 5 five frightened dogs in an RV with outside temps in the 90's and steam rising with zero power. Fear not for I had a plan.

I fired up the generator on my RV bumper and had enough power for one AC, TV, computer and a few lights. Oh and I have satellite TV. Everyone else lost power and cable and I had both. The cable is still down this morning.

Sometimes things work out for the best in spite of bad times.

Another stroke of genus is my bringing the Roomba robotic vacuum. This is the first time ever that the RV is getting cleaned daily. No dog hair I promise.

Tomorrow I'll give you a tour of my hooch I made outside. It gives us enough covered space for a dinner supper of 15. I know, we did it Saturday night.

Disaster Hits

Where do I begin?

Gigi, five dogs and one parrot rolled out of Charlotte around 9:30 AM Friday for the 6 hour trip to Jekyll Island. It was the usual stuff...us yacking and the dogs looking at all the cars.

About 40 miles out I noticed rubber flying up. Could I have run over old tread from a truck blow out? Did I have a blowout? I decided to stop at the next ramp to have a look.

When I opened the door the air felt like a steam bath. It was already in the 90's with high humidity. Upon inspection I saw that sure enough...I had a blowout and quite a bit of damage.

I told Gigi not to worry that I would change the tire and we would be on our way. I looked under the RV to see where the spare was and I heard the distinct sound of my scalp being penetrated. I know this sound from years of EEG tests with receptors being plugged directly in my scalp. I fell back rolling in sweat and noticed my head was bleeding. I had plunged my head into a corner of angle iron.

I continued to set up to change the tire when I walked past a mirror and saw my face looked like a boxer on the wrong end of a fight.

In about 20 minutes I had the RV tire changed and we were on our way. I asked Gigi to call the insurance company about the body damage and I call my assistant back in Charlotte to call ahead for some new tires. After all it is my experience if one tire burst so will another. Better to be safe and get a new set all around even if it costs us some travel time.

Boom! Just five minutes moving and another tire blew. Fortunately my assistant had made arrangements about 20 miles downstream.

The tire guy came up and replaced one right in the rim by the side of the highway.

Meanwhile Gigi and the dogs cooked in the sweltering heat. The AC barely kept the cab in the 80's and it was close to 100 outside.

We followed the tire guy back and got 5 new tires and after a four hour delay we were on our way.

I decided not to go to the hospital for stitches. I was just too damn tired. Besides I think it closed and is healing just fine. Another reason never to shave my head.

I'm Actually on Vacation......

I hit the floor at 4:30 AM. Partially because of excitement and partially because of the last mintute todo list that kept running in my head.

RVing takes more effort than just throwing some clothes in a bag with a toilet kit.

I've had several system failures since last summer that had to be addressed. The main valve on the water heater had to be replaced if I wanted hot water and I do. The 12 volt system main circuit board was bad mainly I suspect from the crappy electrical service in Southport last season. And finally I discovered a bad propane regulator that would have shut down my entire propane system if it wasn't replaced.

I hooked up the RV to the truck last night and packed all the heavy stuff in the bed of the truck. I have a full tank of fuel, reserve diesel, eight good tires at maximum PSI air pressure, and freshly serviced motors (Jeep, truck, generator, outboard). Can you say carbon foot print?

Now I'll spend 6 and a half hours on an interstate highway praying that all the tires hold together and my aged diesel keeps on keeping on to make it to the island. Nothing worse than a blow out or breakdown while traveling and I have experienced both.

Once there I'll spend the next few hours setting up in a drenching sweat.

But somehow it is all fun.

Oh, one other ting...it's goat water Friday!

Battles I am Fighting

I am so tired of dealing with incompetent dick heads at banks, mortgage companies, insurance companies and internal compliance. My life has become a non revenue producing swirl of paperwork to cover everyone's ass but mine. This sucks.

Yesterday I got this email from Quicken Loan:

Hello, Sir.

Please fill out this form with you business information only, sign and date and return via fax to Underwriting at 734-386-2200 or scan/email to me.

Thank you, Sir.

Paul

800-226-6308 ext 17212

The form was a release allowing Quicken to access my business tax returns from the IRS.

Forget for a moment that I had sent this form twice previously which calls into doubt as to their ability to underwrite a loan. Forget that I had previously supplied the document that they are requesting.

This made no sense to me as to why they would request a document from the IRS that they already had and was supplied by me.

Paul's assistant informed me that they now compare what the IRS has against what I supplied them to make sure I wasn't lying.

Thank you real estate speculators you lying cheats and shits. Thank you all of you who walked away from your loans and lied on your documents. You are worthless drivel to me and humanity right now. I have to pay for your sins now while you got off scott free. (Is it scot free or scott free?)

On another battle front I am requalifying for my business line of credit that I have had for 10 years. Suddenly I am a shiftless bum to the bank. I have spent three weeks trying to convenience the bank I am solvent. Today I will drop the mother of all bombs on them that gives them actual revenues owed me along with accounts receivable. Who knows what the bill will be from my CPA.

I need a vacation. Come hither sweet Jekyll Island. I will pull into the home of anonymous on Friday for a 10 day vacation.

Father's Day

Yesterday was father's day for everyone. It on the calendar...you couldn't avoid it no matter what your gender.

There is no qualifacation for celebrating a national holiday. I personally think the day celebrates positive male role models and not the results of a moment of involuntary spasms in the loins.

So I told everyone, male and female happy father's day. We need more positive role models and good parents.

Next Week

I am planning my most adventurous Origami trip to date. I want to take my trusty dingy from Jekyll Island to Cumberland Island.

I consulted with my friend Mic, a maritime expert and he pretty much pointed out that I was a true idiot for taking an 11 foot boat on a 3 mile trip between islands. I concurred but said I would do the trip under most ideal conditions and I would consult the charts and have my marine radio handy.

I will actually be landing on Little Cumberland island. The whole island is mostly natural and there are wild horses, alligators, pigs and I'm sure lots of birds. There is an old lighthouse that I want to visit.

Most people enter the island from a ferry on the Florida end so my end should be deserted.

It will be fun having a beach all to myself.

Today is my birthday and I like that. I plan

to take a really good nap and pack for my Jekyll Island Vacation that starts Friday. And I'm not ashamed to admit I'm fifty friggin three.

Gigi's uncle once gave a great analogy of how live moves along. He told me life was like a video tape on rewind. It starts out very slow and looks like it will take forever. Once you get toward the end it speeds along so fast that you think it will snap.

I haven't had a vacation since St Croix in February and it will be the first the botched attempt to go to Bermuda. Remember those plans for Memorial weekend? It was my first ever vacation failure.

I had the hotel, the airfare, a house sitter, an itinerary was forming but fate had other plans. The rendezvous with my Cruzan friends got canceled so we decided to stay home and clean out the garage.

Yesterday Peach Pod and Peach Pit came up from St Simon's Island and towed back my Jeep and boat for me to enjoy next weekend for 10 days. That was so kind of them. It's kind of lonely without the little fellow in the driveway but it sure will be fun have the Jeep down at Jekyll Island. They have been texting updates to me as they pass state borders.

I was checking the RV out and discovered a propane regulator has gone bad and was leaking. I ordered another....thank goodness I checked.

Updates

Let me give you a few updates?

Remember The garage? It took a month but it is finally clean to most household standards. I don't miss a thing I threw out either. Everything has a place and is visible. I will try and keep it that way.

Rotten chicken in the car update.

Gigi's car spent 6 days in the detail shop. They stripped the inside to bare metal and disassembled the instrument panel and center console. They removed the seats, carpet and padding along with the fabric door panels and headliner. Everything was scrubbed, cleaned and sanitized.

New carpet padding was installed and the whole interior was put back together. They put an ozone machine in the car for two days and then they set off an "odor bomb" with the windows closed.

We picked up the car yesterday and it smelled good and was VERY clean. The insurance picked up the $450 tab.

A Picture is Worth A Thousand Words

On my way to the office yesterday. Someone should tell her what that concrete path to her left is for. Prior to this she was zig zagging through moving traffic. All for a case of water and a stolen Harris Teeter cart.

A Farty Morn'

Typically in the Wreggie home supper becomes a social hour with great interest from the dogs of the family. Gigi can't resist pinching off bits and pieces of food for them. The father in law and I do the same, so in essence the dogs eat some of what we do most of the time.

Typically 2 to 4 dogs sleep around our bed at night.

This is all fine and good unless the supper causes gas in the night.

Last night was the perfect storm. I woke myself up 3 times and the dogs fired shots all night.

It reminded me of this scene from Blazing Saddles.

More Jeep Upgrades

Today I mounted my outboard motor mount on the Jeep. Plans are to have the Jeep towed down next weekend to Jekyll by some damn good friends so I can have the Jeep for my 10 day vacation starting the 26th.

I wanted a tie dye tire cover but the "fake" plastic ones online were $60 and they faded after one year. I bought this fabric military pack cover on Ebay for $3.99 with free shipping and dyed it myself.

A Great Party for Individuals Aged 50 to 80

I saw an AARP TV commercial last night for supplemental life insurance for individuals aged 50 to 80. The back ground was a 1970's kitchen with all the colors I recognized from the '70's.

"Poor old farts", I thought.

$15,000 for their death certificate and they seemed very satisfied with the potential windfall to have a nice funeral and pay off the credit card. Life would then be good for the surviving spouse.

Then it hit me. I'm their target group.

I'm age 50 to 80 and grew up in a 70's kitchen.

I am slipping into old fartness but I'm at the kicking and screaming denial phase. Yes friends are getting serious illnesses and yes I have lost two friends to death this year. Yes the parents are thinning out and on deck as we whipper snappers say.

You know....that's not a bad deal. $15,000 with no medical questions would make one heck of a funeral party.

Today I go to social services for the FIL. This should be a rich source of blog fodder. Who yo baby daddy?

Is there An Adult Around?

Whenever life throws me some bad circumstances I think about my father who would say in times of crisis, "Does anyone know an adult we can call for advice?"

All day long my father in law kept telling me almost in a panic that "Wreggie...my brain is not working right". He knows he has the disease, he is fighting the battle in his own way with crossword puzzles but he is going down.

Meanwhile bright and early yesterday I had a tow truck show up to take Gigi's decomposed chicken smelling car to the detail shop. I called in advance and the shop assured me that tey could take care of the problem. About 20 minutes later the wrecker driver called me and said the guy at the shop wouldn't touch the car.

Gigi was in tears. She loves her 1987 4Runner and said "no" to my offer of a new car.

I found another detail shop that will strip the carpet, padding, headliner, and seats. They will clean them chemically, dry and reinstall with new padding. I hired a young kid to drive the car for $50 this morning. He said he'll put Vick's Vapor rub under his nose.

Meanwhile yesterday one of my best friends and business partner got the news that he has follicular lymphoma. Shit. It is too early to tell much but just shit.

I stopped by the club yesterday and got three suppers to go and had a glass of wine at the bar. There was a swim meet going on and everyone seemed happy. That was nice.

When I got home a storm was brewing like on the opening scene of The Wizard of Oz. Gigi was putting up the horses and the FIL was oblivious sitting outside doing crosswords. I covered my Jeep with a tarp and Gigi screamed she needed hay.

Dammit. I jumped in the truck and tore off in time to get 4 bales before the bottom dropped out.

The FIL ate his supper and asked when he was going to see his doctor because something was wrong with his brain.

I had a lot of work to do on the computer but the Internet when down along with the power so I headed to an early bed.

Every time the lightening would flash followed by thunder Boscoe would say, "It's okay" to reassure anyone in ear shot.

That's what we always say to the dogs during a thunderstorm and somehow it sounded reassuring from a parrot. Boscoe was my level headed adult last night.

News Update

Yesterday afternoon we discovered what the awful smell was that was permeating our back yard.

It seems Gigi bought three whole chickens and didn’t unload them.

She opened her car and the funk and flies came rolling out spilling stink all over the surrounding area. Seriously we had a stink that covered several hundred feet in diameter.

A question….how can meat processed under the watchful eye of President Obama, and shrunk wrapped in plastic, and double bagged in grocery bags in a sealed car still produce hundreds of flies and thousands of maggots in three days?

You think it was Dick Chaney?

Letter to the In-laws

Dearest in-laws:

Stop putting my ketchup, syrup, and butter in the refrigerator.

I like real butter and I like it soft. I have never caught an airborne butter disease from leaving it covered on the counter. In fact I like rotten dairy products like cheese and buttermilk.

Nothing like a stack of pancakes covered in ice cold syrup. Look at the label my dear family by marriage. It says on my syrup that refrigeration is not necessary,

And finally it is not necessary to refrigerate Heinz Ketchup. It says on the label “For Best Results Refrigerate after Opening”. It doesn’t say it will kill you if you don’t. Again, hot French fries and ice cold ketchup ain’t too good.

Besides at the rate you consume ketchup dear FIL I doubt seriously about the opportunity for spoilage.

Sometimes Dreams are Better Than Real Life

I have been having some bizarre dreams lately.

There are places I go in my dreams that are very familiar to me. I have been visiting these dream places all my life and none of these places exist in real life.

Monday night I went to a place that resembles an old college campus. It is very refined with old stone structures and gas lamps. I always fly in and softly float down on a sidewalk. I always arrive at dusk.

Once I go inside the interior becomes a deserted mall. The other night I heard music and I went in the main auditorium. There was a very small crowd and the Black Eyed Peas were playing. I stayed and watched.

Another place I go is only accessible by a series of caves and tunnels that connect warehouses, houses, railcars and other old dank structures. I enjoy this because while it sound depressing I find the adventure enormously interesting.

Last night was a new place but I suspect it was near St Croix. It was very tropical. Gigi and Nicole were there. Nicole is Terry’s daughter.

The place was almost cartoonish. The shoreline kept changing.

Overhead I saw a big flying sail boat being pulled by a large alligator. Someone on board with a Cajun accent was yelling at the gator and another person was manning the oars. On the back of the boat was a huge Mercury engine.

Everyone on the ground was laughing and waving as the boat circled overhead.

Bonus Time

I have developed a concept of bonus time that would theoretically let me get away with murder once I reach a certain age. Call it a reward for behavior modification in my youth.

The theory states that we are all going to make it to 72. I know…some of us don’t but let’s just say this is the expected life span. Anything more is bonus time and added new vices will likely not kill you directly.

So in bonus time….have a smoke… eat three eggs with sausage. Spend some money you’ve been saving. Go see a stripper. Take that cruise to Greece. What ever you’ve wanted to do but were afraid to do because of health, money,

I proposed this theory when I was a much younger man in my late 20’s and early 30’s. Being a man of many vices I decided to give up most and start exercising.

Bonus time will allow me to indulge full speed ahead in the vices of my youth until I croak.

I can see now some flaws in my theory as I have aged….like I would be a fat wheezy tick with explosive blood pressure and tobacco breath.

Maybe I should rethink this.

My Afternoon Baby Sitting

I spent yesterday afternoon baby sitting the FIL while Gigi went to the doctor and ran a few errands on her own.

As you recall the FIL in most medical opinions is suffering from either badass dementia of the 1^st level squared or some definite stage of Alzheimer’s. The family prefers to keep this about this medically specific to back up their comfort in living in denial.

The FIL has always been a special type person when it comes to social skills. He and a few other family members don’t really grasp the skills needed in everyday conversation. His conversation consists of asking a bunch of “who gives a shit” questions that he always asks then repeating them until the breaking point.

I will give him credit because each series of questions are designed for the person he is talking to at the moment.

Yesterday…..

What was the Panthers record last season? (I answer)

Did they make the playoffs? (I answer)

How man cups of coffee do you drink in a day…1…2…3? (I answer)

What is the most you ever weighed? (I answer)

Did you know 50,000 people died in WWII? (I answer)

How did God judge all those souls? (I answer)

Is you club doing okay? What was the Panthers record last season? (I answer)

Did they make the playoffs? (I answer)

How man cups of coffee do you drink in a day…1…2…3? (I answer)

How many members do you have? (I answer)

When is the last time you played golf? (I answer)

What did you have for Breakfast? (I answer)

Where did you eat lunch? (I answer)

Was it good? (I answer)

What was the Panthers record last season? (I answer)

Did they make the playoffs? (I answer)

How man cups of coffee do you drink in a day…1…2…3? (I answer)

I start texting somebody.

I Should Be A Sleep Coach

I picked up the FIL Sunday night and managed to keep the MIL at bay until next weekend.

So next Saturday we expect a State visit from “Mutha” as we say in the south.

My dogs love Gigi’s dad. They all have this spring in their step knowing he is as silly as I am with them and he is full time for them.

He’ll play Frisbee and ball for hours with them for hours a day. They just think he is the most fun guy.

I can’t believe it but I just woke up and it is 7 AM. I never sleep this late. I slept for 10 blissful hours and so did Gigi.

Well….I have to guzzle some coffee and head off to work. I’m taking the Jeep today. Top down.

Little Jeep Details

I saw this cool looking license frame and thought it was so me.

Then I replaced the stock black door straps with these multicolored straps.

Finally I bought two front molded mats for the floor. It just looks dressier and tough at the same time.