I just found a box with all my grades from 1st through college. Wow I was an under achiever.
Tis The Season
It's almost football tailgate time again and you know what that means....yes time to armor plate the truck like an allied hummer in Iraq.
This year I have decided to install Jimmi Jammers to deter the wild west lawlessness of downtown Charlotte. These little metal plates are bolted under the plasric door locks to offer the thieves some resistance when they decide to take what belongs to me.
Now instead of a busted door lock and the contents of my truck stolen I fully expect screwdriver pry marks around my door lock and busted windows with the contents of my truck stolen.
I may install a noisy car alarm to draw attention after they shatter my windows. I think I can get one for around $150 installed.
My hope is that if I can make my truck a little more trouble to break into then the thieves will move on to easier targets.
We have three scheduled night games this year possibly more later in the season to accommodate TV scheduling.
I'll report back after the first break in attempt because you just know it's going to happen.
The most stolen cars in NC all qualify for Cash for Clunkers.
1 Honda Accord 1996
2 Honda Civic 1995
3 Ford F150 Series 1997
4 Jeep Cherokee/Grand Cherokee 1996
5 Toyota Camry 1993
6 Ford Explorer 2002
7 Ford Taurus 2001
8 Dodge Caravan 1994
9 Chevrolet Full Size C/K 1500 Pickup 2000
10 Ford Ranger 1996
Two Recession Observations
Give money directly to the people and it will have instant results. Cash for Clunkers proves this. So why take our money away in the first place just to give it back? Wouldn't a tax credit be more efficient?
Recessions purge waste and spawn efficiency. We will come out leaner and less wasteful and more efficient.
The Golden Age of Chewing Gum
Do you realize we have let the golden age of chewing gum slip away right under our noses? On your and my watch too! How did this happen?
I remember as a kid, gum was sold in packs five sticks for 5 cents. That was it. Easy package and the pack fit right in your pocket.
The flavors were good like spearmint, peppermint, juicy fruit, and my dad chewed Dentine which was cinnamon. Once in a while I'd step out and get Tberry. It made me feel like a bad boy.
Gum was a simple, cheap and tasty treat. It all came with sugar sweetener.
Then gum actually got better. It was softer, sugarless and the flavor lasted a long time. Then they introduced the 15 stick pack and this was good. New flavors like Polar Ice and gum with liquid centers were introduced.
The gum was softer, full of flavor and honestly I could chew a piece for hours and recognize the flavor.
Then something happened a few years ago. Gum's flavor changed universally for the worse. The flavor could be chewed out in minutes. The portions were smaller and the packaging became a nightmare.
Lately I have been drifting from brand to brand, flavor to flavor and yet I get no satisfaction.
A few weeks ago I found an old pack of gum from the golden age in my RV. It was sticky and breaking down but I chewed it and it was good. It was as I remembered.
The Scorpion!
Years ago...maybe 1990 I was in my kitchen one fine May morning. It was Sunday I recall.
Gigi was out of town and I was wrapping up whatever I was doing geting ready for church.
Suddenly out of the corner of my eye I saw a strange looking insect. It wasn't a spider and it wasn't a bug. I bent down to have a closer look and it rared back bore it's claws at me. It was a scorpion.
We don't normally have scorpions in North Carolina. This creature was bright red and very aggressive. His tail was curled over his body and his claw were ready for confrontation.
I squirted him with Windex and stomped him and tossed him in the garbage.
I called my Friend Dusty who might know if it was possible that I saw a scorpion. He called a friend who happened to be a bug expert and he confirmed I saw a scorpion and a very rare one at that. Further he wanted to know if I could recover the specimen. I told him it was crushed but I would be glad to send him a rendering of what I saw.
Dusty saved the drawing all these years and emailed a copy to me. Didn't know I was an artist did you?
Good Monday To You
I think I can lay down and die now. My life is complete.
I closed on my loan Friday and I now have an assumable 15 year loan at 4.5%.
I was just shown an iPhone app called Trapster that allows for users to report speed traps live. Then this information is pushed to my phone from other users and it warns me if I am about to enter the trap. I can verify the trap too and it adds credibility to the sighting.
Today I plan to end my boycott of Kurt Schindler. Kurt is a very talented local musician in St Croix. Kurt pissed me off last February by missing two dates while I was on St Croix. I listened to some of his music this past weekend and figured he had suffered enough from my shun. Plus he has a float in the St Patrick's Day parade called the Feral Cruzans and I thought that was about as cool of term as I have heard in a while. So I'm back Kurt. I hope you will take me back as a fan.
How A Fart Brought Down The Banking System
This is a true story that I have heard many times. Way back in the 1950's American Commercial Bank in Charlotte, North Carolina was formed from two smaller banks. In the 1960's American Commercial Bank changed it's name to North Carolina National Bank. In 1991 North Carolina National Bank acquired C&S/Sovran Corp. and took the new name, NationsBank Corp. In 1998 NationsBank Corp. acquired BankAmerica Corp. and took the name Bank of America which now operates in all 50 states and most foreign countries.
Bank of America is a big player and we are proud of the accomplishments of BofA.
A very good friend of mine worked for Bank of America back in the NCNB/NationsBank era in the computer room. Back then the bank ran on big mainframe computers that centrally tied together all the tellers and ATM's. In those days the computers were so big that employees worked among the machinery to keep the bank going 24/7.
The rooms housing the computers were serviced constantly by folks like my friend.
Late night shifts would get mighty boring.
One night a guy working along side opened the shield protecting the large memory platters. The shield mechanilally opened like something on 2001 a Space Odyssey. Then the guy rares back and farts on the platters holding the contents of the bank and pushes the lid closed.
All the guys are dying laughing at the stunt when suddenly they realize the entire system is going offline and an entire reboot will be required to bring the system back up. No small task back then.
Cruzan Is A Commin'
(hallelujah chorus playing in background)
Today is Friday and I am glad for that. Today I close on my loan and I am ecstatic yet resentful at the bastards. 4.5% baby!
Margaret called last night. As you recall Margaret was our housekeeper back in 2003 at the first villa we stayed in St Croix. She and Gigi hit it off and have remained good friends ever since.
Her son joined the national Guard to help with his college education. His basic training is in Columbia about 80 south of us. Long story short, Margaret is coming up from St Croix to visit us and her son.
Now I will have a real Cruzan (actually she is from St Kitts) in my house and she can teach me how to make all the Caribbean dishes I crave.... johnnie cakes, smoked herring and rice with spinach, and goat water.
That reminds me. Happy goat water Friday everyone!
Jesus and Golf
Whether you think Jesus is your Lord and Saviour or just a nice man in sandals from history I can't help but laugh when I am confronted with his sense of humor. This statement in the Bible makes me laugh:
"Why do you see the speck in your neighbor's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye."
I had a one sided conversation recently and this verse kept coming up in my mind. I sat silent and listened knowing that he had a long in his own eye.....or was it a speck in his and a log in mine?
Golf was fun yesterday but the heat was exhausting. Note to self...wait until the back nine to pop a beer.
Stay of Execution
As you recall today my rate lock on my refinance expired today and I had to close today to get 4.5%.
First thing this morning I emailed to share my willingness and availability to close. They said they were working on it. A few more calls to get payoffs and things seemed promising.
By mid afternoon I asked for an extension so I could keep my rate.
At 4 PM I suggested I start flying west until I got until tomorrow to give me a few more hours. Heck I could close in Hawaii just fine.
The folks (assholes) I am dealing with are in central time. 5 PM passes eastern time.
5:45 PM I'm strapped tightly in a big wooden chair. A metal cuff is attached to my right ankle. A wet sponge and metal skullcap is tightened under my chin. The leather hood is draped over my head.
"Bastards", I thought. "The're going to let me go."
I begin counting the last few minutes when the phone rang.
"Mr. Wreggie.... this is Ass wipe and Crooked Loans. We have just gotten final approval and we can extend your rate until the 4th."
Why oh why do they put me through this. I'll believe it when the ink is dry.
Two Things on My Mind
I have been experimenting with wing sauce of late. My goal (like I need the calories) is to come up with a good all around sauce that everyone likes. Not hot, but traditional appearance with hints of good flavors.
It's easy to make hot wings hotter than hell and send people screaming for a cold beer. Most people don't like spicy hot wings. Personally I've never me a wind I didn't like.
So what seems to work with the approval of my wing master nephew is mixture of Frank's mild sauce, butter, diced garlic, brown sugar and Worcestershire sauce. Gigi liked it so much that she took the leftover sauce and put it on some barbecue we had last night.
Now with football season just around the corner I'll be able to make fresh and delicious wings at the tailgate events. As you may recall I have a spiffy fryer and 2000 watt quiet generator that will make their appearance this fall in Downtown Charlotte.
I am constantly amazed what our government will give someone if you just take the time to do nothing and get in line.
My father in law is in a nice assisted living place that provides 3 meals and two snacks a day, a room with bath, cable TV, daily events, AC and Heat and medications. There is a library, fitness room, hot tub Jacuzzi, hair dresser, and well decorated common areas. The staff is friendly and nice. The dining room has table clothes and each meal there is a menu to choose from. Oh and they pick up his laundry and clean his room and change the sheets.
All this costs him zero. You pay for it. He didn't save a nickle for this....nothing yet he lives a good life.
But that's not all. What is missing in this picture? A phone. Not to worry. I just found out if you are dead broke and can prove it that the government will give you a cell phone free! Free phone and free minutes. I signed him up last night.
I wonder why I bust my ass and worry so much.
Building Vacations
One of my favorite pastimes is building vacations. Flying vacations are entirely different from RVing vacations. I like them both and both are designed around my entertainment and comfort.
The past few days I have been trading airline miles for trips to St Croix. I have all of our September trip covered with air miles and have booked Gigi on the nonstop for February. I have enough credits for me I think to cover me too. Hell I'll hitch hike down if I have to.
Gigi and I plan to renew our vows while we are down in September. It will be 30 years in November. I'd like to do it where Terry and Michael got married if Peter will do the ceremony and Michael will give me away. Something like that.
I figured in 30 years I have been asleep for 10 years, at work for 10 years, sitting in the other room for 5 years, pissed off at her for 2 years, and madly in love for the remaining 3 years. That's worth a celebration.
One friend suggested we do the vows in front of the web cam so everyone could watch.
Anyway I am looking forward to the September trip like you wouldn't believe. We need some R and R and hopefully celebration with good friends.
On My Soapbox (Condensed Version)
Back in March I started refinancing my home with Quicken Loans and I got to tell you that the experience has been much like chemotherapy. Even If I do close by Monday the process is just about to kill me.
I started with a conventional loan and we were on a fast track until the appraiser insisted on giving us nothing for our eight acres, improvements, and oh by the way an 1,100 square foot guest home with a kitchen and bathroom.
"Mr. Wreggie, your credit is good but the debt to equity ratio makes it impossible for a conventional loan."
I responded, "No shit Sherlock....give me equity for the stuff standing that you ignore and we can do the deal."
So after 6 weeks or so we decided to go FHA and I locked in a great rate at 4.5% for 15 years. The lock would expire on July 20th. That date was so far in the future that I was confident that nothing could stand in my way.
FHA is different. The federal government assumes I am a damn liar and my home is a rotting piece of shit and I have to prove otherwise. The process has been slow and humiliating.
Quicken discovers a new hurtle about every two weeks. About the time I was changing tires on my exploding RV I discover via a phone call that I must repair some rotten wood around a window and go to the IRS to prove that my business taxes were in fact filed.
I sat in the IRS on three occasions and made on visit out of town to my CPA all because the IRS had yet to put my taxes in electronically. Good that was done and now the rot.
The whole reason I stared this loan was based on the fact I needed to repair the front of my house. I thought I would lock in a low rate and pull some money out to fix this rot. Foolish me.
Today...A contractor is supposed to be here at 8 AM and have this fixed and the paint dry by tomorrow for a liars inspection.
But when Quicken called the home inspector to set a time to verify the repairs the inspector said, "I have company coming to town and will be busy the next few weeks."
I told them I would be happy with a Jew or Muslim that would inspect and close on Sunday if that was more convenient.
Today I wait for a contractor and pray an inspector will come tomorrow afternoon with a closing looming on Monday. If I put any more effort in this it's gonna kill me.
In My Own Back Yard
Very strange dream last night. Terry C appeared from St Croix at my home. She wanted to buy a used bread truck in North Wilksboro for Michael that she had seen on Craig's list.
I thought this to be strange. Terry doesn't like to travel back to the states much. Plus she had some new hair cut that just wasn't Terry.
She asked to see my garage as if she doubted it had been cleaned out. I turned on the light and there were four saddled horses in there that weren't mine. In addition the lights to my Jeep were on.
She then suggested we snorkel in my creek that runs along my property. Peter was waiting in a small boat. We proceeded on a fantastic fresh water snorkel in my creek.
Peter taught me several way to discretely pee out the back of the boat while a lady was present and Terry had bright ankle lights that illuminated the stream to see all creatures that lived in the creek clearly.
Meanwhile we kept missing phone calls from Michael about his whereabouts.
I can tell you now that this dream makes some sense to me now as I am awake. My business and personal life is a flutter now with things out of my control due to the recession but I am struggling to maintain some control.
I spent time yesterday planning my next two trips to the island. Gigi and I will be there in September. I just booked a villa for our February trip. I really want to be there.
Yet I feel that Terry revealed greatness in my own back yard that I have overlooked.
And Peter? Well he was Peter and funny as hell.
Here I Am
Wow it has been a while.
I'm in San Francisco at a business conference. Last night I ate chicken wings at a gay sports bar. They didn't have gay sports on the TV just regular sports but all the wing eaters were gay except me. It was culturally interesting to watch. They absolutely love major league baseball out here.
Most of the guys in this city resemble the nerd on the cover of "For Dummies" books. Dark hair sticking up with bold frame glasses. It looks like an Apple commercial everywhere.
Most of the local women talk and end their sentences on a high note. That gets annoying after a while but they all do it.
I like the new styles in hair. I now wash my hair, drive the jeep to work top off, splash some diet Pepsi on my head and I am stylish and good to go for the rest of the day. I think that is how most of the young folks must be getting that "unique" look.
Everything is so expensive out here. I don't know how people afford to live here.
I expected this place to be a nerd Nirvana but I am paying $12 a day for Internet and can't seem to fine a sustainable mobile signal to complete a call.
It is cold here, really cold. It is like a premature autumn here. The temps are in the lows 60's with a strong breeze and no humidity.
I have always liked this place. It is so different from my usual haunts.
Stress
I had about a two hour fire to stomp out this afternoon and I found the conflict exhilarating.
You see I have prided my self over my career to be able to compartmentalize my work and personal life. I developed a way in the late 1990's to work less than 30 hours a week but yield the effort of a person working overtime. It worked most of the time and allowed me to make a nice living and enjoy life to the fullest now.
Sadly in recent years and months this system has eroded to where I am beginning to be a stressed out person. I don't take stress well even though I have a stressful job. I can't be fired because I am self employed but I can fail. I have avoided stress and conflicts that are sometimes necessary.
This vacation has been relaxing and enjoyable. Yes I had two blow outs on the way down and yes my back was strained picking up a snagged crab trap caught on my anchor.
I have slept well and have napped every afternoon. I have riiden my bike, rode in the boat and taken several long Jeep rides. I am relaxed.
So I got this call this afternoon where I suspected a client had been defrauded out of a lot of money. I had only hours to reverse a potential problem that could involve hundreds of thousands of dollars.
My assistant is very capable and I am fortunate to have her. I gave her instructions and she made phone calls and I made phone calls from my Jeep. Within a few hours the deal was undone and everything was alright.
I am relaxed again. The vacation is working.
You Ever Get the Idea That I Exagerate?
Oh I have been a bad man today. I took Origami II out through treacherous waters toward Little Cumberland Island.
We landed on a small barrier island and released a pack of egg sucking dogs. These dogs were able to eradicate both the nesting birds and turtles in a few minutes.
I urinated on an oyster bed.
We left behind a colony of these dogs to populate the island.
I took a few moments to change my outboard motor's oil. Once I dumped the oil and trash we headed back to Jekyll for the future assault on Little Cumberland.
I need to find some more egg sucking dogs and toxic pollutants for my next visit.
The Hooch
Here is our outdoor setup this morning. I made this awning extension to protect us from sun and rain. It worked! 
This is my outdoor kitchen with two stoves, two grills and a fryer. That is a yellow squirrel fan to the right to create my own "trade winds".
Supper this evening. My sister Etta to the right, her husband Al to the left of her, Uncle Wendell in the blue left and his wife Barbara to the left, Peach Pod in front left, then Diane center and her husband Bill, then Gigi walking with a dish. More were there but the fast eaters moved on. Sometimes Things Work Out Just Fine
Yesterday afternoon we were visited by a thunderstorm of Biblical proportions. I heard the thunder coming and rushed out to cover the Jeep and secure the tent room.
Thunder storms down here are never in the distance. They hit directly with numerous strikes that are instantaneous in the report. One can literally hear the lightening cracking through the air many times very close by.
In about 30 minutes the power went off.
A potential problem arises when you have 5 five frightened dogs in an RV with outside temps in the 90's and steam rising with zero power. Fear not for I had a plan.
I fired up the generator on my RV bumper and had enough power for one AC, TV, computer and a few lights. Oh and I have satellite TV. Everyone else lost power and cable and I had both. The cable is still down this morning.
Sometimes things work out for the best in spite of bad times.
Another stroke of genus is my bringing the Roomba robotic vacuum. This is the first time ever that the RV is getting cleaned daily. No dog hair I promise.
Tomorrow I'll give you a tour of my hooch I made outside. It gives us enough covered space for a dinner supper of 15. I know, we did it Saturday night.
Disaster Hits
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Where do I begin?
Gigi, five dogs and one parrot rolled out of Charlotte around 9:30 AM Friday for the 6 hour trip to Jekyll Island. It was the usual stuff...us yacking and the dogs looking at all the cars.
About 40 miles out I noticed rubber flying up. Could I have run over old tread from a truck blow out? Did I have a blowout? I decided to stop at the next ramp to have a look.
When I opened the door the air felt like a steam bath. It was already in the 90's with high humidity. Upon inspection I saw that sure enough...I had a blowout and quite a bit of damage.
I told Gigi not to worry that I would change the tire and we would be on our way. I looked under the RV to see where the spare was and I heard the distinct sound of my scalp being penetrated. I know this sound from years of EEG tests with receptors being plugged directly in my scalp. I fell back rolling in sweat and noticed my head was bleeding. I had plunged my head into a corner of angle iron.
I continued to set up to change the tire when I walked past a mirror and saw my face looked like a boxer on the wrong end of a fight.
In about 20 minutes I had the RV tire changed and we were on our way. I asked Gigi to call the insurance company about the body damage and I call my assistant back in Charlotte to call ahead for some new tires. After all it is my experience if one tire burst so will another. Better to be safe and get a new set all around even if it costs us some travel time.
Boom! Just five minutes moving and another tire blew. Fortunately my assistant had made arrangements about 20 miles downstream.
The tire guy came up and replaced one right in the rim by the side of the highway.
Meanwhile Gigi and the dogs cooked in the sweltering heat. The AC barely kept the cab in the 80's and it was close to 100 outside.
We followed the tire guy back and got 5 new tires and after a four hour delay we were on our way.
I decided not to go to the hospital for stitches. I was just too damn tired. Besides I think it closed and is healing just fine. Another reason never to shave my head.
I'm Actually on Vacation......
I hit the floor at 4:30 AM. Partially because of excitement and partially because of the last mintute todo list that kept running in my head.
RVing takes more effort than just throwing some clothes in a bag with a toilet kit.
I've had several system failures since last summer that had to be addressed. The main valve on the water heater had to be replaced if I wanted hot water and I do. The 12 volt system main circuit board was bad mainly I suspect from the crappy electrical service in Southport last season. And finally I discovered a bad propane regulator that would have shut down my entire propane system if it wasn't replaced.
I hooked up the RV to the truck last night and packed all the heavy stuff in the bed of the truck. I have a full tank of fuel, reserve diesel, eight good tires at maximum PSI air pressure, and freshly serviced motors (Jeep, truck, generator, outboard). Can you say carbon foot print?
Now I'll spend 6 and a half hours on an interstate highway praying that all the tires hold together and my aged diesel keeps on keeping on to make it to the island. Nothing worse than a blow out or breakdown while traveling and I have experienced both.
Once there I'll spend the next few hours setting up in a drenching sweat.
But somehow it is all fun.
Oh, one other ting...it's goat water Friday!
Battles I am Fighting
I am so tired of dealing with incompetent dick heads at banks, mortgage companies, insurance companies and internal compliance. My life has become a non revenue producing swirl of paperwork to cover everyone's ass but mine. This sucks.
Yesterday I got this email from Quicken Loan:
Hello, Sir.
Please fill out this form with you business information only, sign and date and return via fax to Underwriting at 734-386-2200 or scan/email to me.
Thank you, Sir.
Paul
800-226-6308 ext 17212
The form was a release allowing Quicken to access my business tax returns from the IRS.
Forget for a moment that I had sent this form twice previously which calls into doubt as to their ability to underwrite a loan. Forget that I had previously supplied the document that they are requesting.
This made no sense to me as to why they would request a document from the IRS that they already had and was supplied by me.
Paul's assistant informed me that they now compare what the IRS has against what I supplied them to make sure I wasn't lying.
Thank you real estate speculators you lying cheats and shits. Thank you all of you who walked away from your loans and lied on your documents. You are worthless drivel to me and humanity right now. I have to pay for your sins now while you got off scott free. (Is it scot free or scott free?)
On another battle front I am requalifying for my business line of credit that I have had for 10 years. Suddenly I am a shiftless bum to the bank. I have spent three weeks trying to convenience the bank I am solvent. Today I will drop the mother of all bombs on them that gives them actual revenues owed me along with accounts receivable. Who knows what the bill will be from my CPA.
I need a vacation. Come hither sweet Jekyll Island. I will pull into the home of anonymous on Friday for a 10 day vacation.
Father's Day
Yesterday was father's day for everyone. It on the calendar...you couldn't avoid it no matter what your gender.
There is no qualifacation for celebrating a national holiday. I personally think the day celebrates positive male role models and not the results of a moment of involuntary spasms in the loins.
So I told everyone, male and female happy father's day. We need more positive role models and good parents.
Next Week
I am planning my most adventurous Origami trip to date. I want to take my trusty dingy from Jekyll Island to Cumberland Island.
I consulted with my friend Mic, a maritime expert and he pretty much pointed out that I was a true idiot for taking an 11 foot boat on a 3 mile trip between islands. I concurred but said I would do the trip under most ideal conditions and I would consult the charts and have my marine radio handy.
I will actually be landing on Little Cumberland island. The whole island is mostly natural and there are wild horses, alligators, pigs and I'm sure lots of birds. There is an old lighthouse that I want to visit.
Most people enter the island from a ferry on the Florida end so my end should be deserted.
It will be fun having a beach all to myself.
Today is my birthday and I like that. I plan
to take a really good nap and pack for my Jekyll Island Vacation that starts Friday. And I'm not ashamed to admit I'm fifty friggin three.
Gigi's uncle once gave a great analogy of how live moves along. He told me life was like a video tape on rewind. It starts out very slow and looks like it will take forever. Once you get toward the end it speeds along so fast that you think it will snap.
I haven't had a vacation since St Croix in February and it will be the first the botched attempt to go to Bermuda. Remember those plans for Memorial weekend? It was my first ever vacation failure.
I had the hotel, the airfare, a house sitter, an itinerary was forming but fate had other plans. The rendezvous with my Cruzan friends got canceled so we decided to stay home and clean out the garage.
Yesterday Peach Pod and Peach Pit came up from St Simon's Island and towed back my Jeep and boat for me to enjoy next weekend for 10 days. That was so kind of them. It's kind of lonely without the little fellow in the driveway but it sure will be fun have the Jeep down at Jekyll Island. They have been texting updates to me as they pass state borders.
I was checking the RV out and discovered a propane regulator has gone bad and was leaking. I ordered another....thank goodness I checked.
Updates
Let me give you a few updates?
Remember The garage? It took a month but it is finally clean to most household standards. I don't miss a thing I threw out either. Everything has a place and is visible. I will try and keep it that way.
Rotten chicken in the car update.
Gigi's car spent 6 days in the detail shop. They stripped the inside to bare metal and disassembled the instrument panel and center console. They removed the seats, carpet and padding along with the fabric door panels and headliner. Everything was scrubbed, cleaned and sanitized.
New carpet padding was installed and the whole interior was put back together. They put an ozone machine in the car for two days and then they set off an "odor bomb" with the windows closed.
We picked up the car yesterday and it smelled good and was VERY clean. The insurance picked up the $450 tab.
A Picture is Worth A Thousand Words
On my way to the office yesterday. Someone should tell her what that concrete path to her left is for. Prior to this she was zig zagging through moving traffic. All for a case of water and a stolen Harris Teeter cart.
A Farty Morn'
Typically in the Wreggie home supper becomes a social hour with great interest from the dogs of the family. Gigi can't resist pinching off bits and pieces of food for them. The father in law and I do the same, so in essence the dogs eat some of what we do most of the time.
Typically 2 to 4 dogs sleep around our bed at night.
This is all fine and good unless the supper causes gas in the night.
Last night was the perfect storm. I woke myself up 3 times and the dogs fired shots all night.
It reminded me of this scene from Blazing Saddles.
More Jeep Upgrades
Today I mounted my outboard motor mount on the Jeep. Plans are to have the Jeep towed down next weekend to Jekyll by some damn good friends so I can have the Jeep for my 10 day vacation starting the 26th.
I wanted a tie dye tire cover but the "fake" plastic ones online were $60 and they faded after one year. I bought this fabric military pack cover on Ebay for $3.99 with free shipping and dyed it myself.
A Great Party for Individuals Aged 50 to 80
I saw an AARP TV commercial last night for supplemental life insurance for individuals aged 50 to 80. The back ground was a 1970's kitchen with all the colors I recognized from the '70's.
"Poor old farts", I thought.
$15,000 for their death certificate and they seemed very satisfied with the potential windfall to have a nice funeral and pay off the credit card. Life would then be good for the surviving spouse.
Then it hit me. I'm their target group.
I'm age 50 to 80 and grew up in a 70's kitchen.
I am slipping into old fartness but I'm at the kicking and screaming denial phase. Yes friends are getting serious illnesses and yes I have lost two friends to death this year. Yes the parents are thinning out and on deck as we whipper snappers say.
You know....that's not a bad deal. $15,000 with no medical questions would make one heck of a funeral party.
Today I go to social services for the FIL. This should be a rich source of blog fodder. Who yo baby daddy?
Is there An Adult Around?
Whenever life throws me some bad circumstances I think about my father who would say in times of crisis, "Does anyone know an adult we can call for advice?"
All day long my father in law kept telling me almost in a panic that "Wreggie...my brain is not working right". He knows he has the disease, he is fighting the battle in his own way with crossword puzzles but he is going down.
Meanwhile bright and early yesterday I had a tow truck show up to take Gigi's decomposed chicken smelling car to the detail shop. I called in advance and the shop assured me that tey could take care of the problem. About 20 minutes later the wrecker driver called me and said the guy at the shop wouldn't touch the car.
Gigi was in tears. She loves her 1987 4Runner and said "no" to my offer of a new car.
I found another detail shop that will strip the carpet, padding, headliner, and seats. They will clean them chemically, dry and reinstall with new padding. I hired a young kid to drive the car for $50 this morning. He said he'll put Vick's Vapor rub under his nose.
Meanwhile yesterday one of my best friends and business partner got the news that he has follicular lymphoma. Shit. It is too early to tell much but just shit.
I stopped by the club yesterday and got three suppers to go and had a glass of wine at the bar. There was a swim meet going on and everyone seemed happy. That was nice.
When I got home a storm was brewing like on the opening scene of The Wizard of Oz. Gigi was putting up the horses and the FIL was oblivious sitting outside doing crosswords. I covered my Jeep with a tarp and Gigi screamed she needed hay.
Dammit. I jumped in the truck and tore off in time to get 4 bales before the bottom dropped out.
The FIL ate his supper and asked when he was going to see his doctor because something was wrong with his brain.
I had a lot of work to do on the computer but the Internet when down along with the power so I headed to an early bed.
Every time the lightening would flash followed by thunder Boscoe would say, "It's okay" to reassure anyone in ear shot.
That's what we always say to the dogs during a thunderstorm and somehow it sounded reassuring from a parrot. Boscoe was my level headed adult last night.
News Update
Yesterday afternoon we discovered what the awful smell was that was permeating our back yard.
It seems Gigi bought three whole chickens and didn’t unload them.
She opened her car and the funk and flies came rolling out spilling stink all over the surrounding area. Seriously we had a stink that covered several hundred feet in diameter.
A question….how can meat processed under the watchful eye of President Obama, and shrunk wrapped in plastic, and double bagged in grocery bags in a sealed car still produce hundreds of flies and thousands of maggots in three days?
You think it was Dick Chaney?
Letter to the In-laws
Dearest in-laws:
Stop putting my ketchup, syrup, and butter in the refrigerator.
I like real butter and I like it soft. I have never caught an airborne butter disease from leaving it covered on the counter. In fact I like rotten dairy products like cheese and buttermilk.
Nothing like a stack of pancakes covered in ice cold syrup. Look at the label my dear family by marriage. It says on my syrup that refrigeration is not necessary,
And finally it is not necessary to refrigerate Heinz Ketchup. It says on the label “For Best Results Refrigerate after Opening”. It doesn’t say it will kill you if you don’t. Again, hot French fries and ice cold ketchup ain’t too good.
Besides at the rate you consume ketchup dear FIL I doubt seriously about the opportunity for spoilage.
Sometimes Dreams are Better Than Real Life
I have been having some bizarre dreams lately.
There are places I go in my dreams that are very familiar to me. I have been visiting these dream places all my life and none of these places exist in real life.
Once I go inside the interior becomes a deserted mall. The other night I heard music and I went in the main auditorium. There was a very small crowd and the Black Eyed Peas were playing. I stayed and watched.
Another place I go is only accessible by a series of caves and tunnels that connect warehouses, houses, railcars and other old dank structures. I enjoy this because while it sound depressing I find the adventure enormously interesting.
Last night was a new place but I suspect it was near
The place was almost cartoonish. The shoreline kept changing.
Overhead I saw a big flying sail boat being pulled by a large alligator. Someone on board with a Cajun accent was yelling at the gator and another person was manning the oars. On the back of the boat was a huge Mercury engine.
Everyone on the ground was laughing and waving as the boat circled overhead.
Bonus Time
I have developed a concept of bonus time that would theoretically let me get away with murder once I reach a certain age. Call it a reward for behavior modification in my youth.
The theory states that we are all going to make it to 72. I know…some of us don’t but let’s just say this is the expected life span. Anything more is bonus time and added new vices will likely not kill you directly.
So in bonus time….have a smoke… eat three eggs with sausage. Spend some money you’ve been saving. Go see a stripper. Take that cruise to
I proposed this theory when I was a much younger man in my late 20’s and early 30’s. Being a man of many vices I decided to give up most and start exercising.
Bonus time will allow me to indulge full speed ahead in the vices of my youth until I croak.
I can see now some flaws in my theory as I have aged….like I would be a fat wheezy tick with explosive blood pressure and tobacco breath.
Maybe I should rethink this.
My Afternoon Baby Sitting
I spent yesterday afternoon baby sitting the FIL while Gigi went to the doctor and ran a few errands on her own.
As you recall the FIL in most medical opinions is suffering from either badass dementia of the 1st level squared or some definite stage of Alzheimer’s. The family prefers to keep this about this medically specific to back up their comfort in living in denial.
I will give him credit because each series of questions are designed for the person he is talking to at the moment.
Yesterday…..
What was the Panthers record last season? (I answer)
Did they make the playoffs? (I answer)
How man cups of coffee do you drink in a day…1…2…3? (I answer)
What is the most you ever weighed? (I answer)
Did you know 50,000 people died in WWII? (I answer)
How did God judge all those souls? (I answer)
Is you club doing okay? What was the Panthers record last season? (I answer)
Did they make the playoffs? (I answer)
How man cups of coffee do you drink in a day…1…2…3? (I answer)
How many members do you have? (I answer)
When is the last time you played golf? (I answer)
What did you have for Breakfast? (I answer)
Where did you eat lunch? (I answer)
Was it good? (I answer)
What was the Panthers record last season? (I answer)
Did they make the playoffs? (I answer)
How man cups of coffee do you drink in a day…1…2…3? (I answer)
I start texting somebody.
I Should Be A Sleep Coach
I picked up the FIL Sunday night and managed to keep the MIL at bay until next weekend.
So next Saturday we expect a State visit from “Mutha” as we say in the south.
My dogs love Gigi’s dad. They all have this spring in their step knowing he is as silly as I am with them and he is full time for them.
He’ll play Frisbee and ball for hours with them for hours a day. They just think he is the most fun guy.
I can’t believe it but I just woke up and it is 7 AM. I never sleep this late. I slept for 10 blissful hours and so did Gigi.
Well….I have to guzzle some coffee and head off to work. I’m taking the Jeep today. Top down.
Little Jeep Details
I saw this cool looking license frame and thought it was so me.
Then I replaced the stock black door straps with these multicolored straps. 
Finally I bought two front molded mats for the floor. It just looks dressier and tough at the same time.
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