Wreggie the Walrus

Yesterday I spent hours on end outdoors exposed to temperatures unbecoming to me. In order to maintain some level of comfort I layered my clothing and managed to stay warm.

Beneath it all at the foundation was a layer of skin tight Under Armour made especially for cold conditions.

Under Armour is made to fit snugly so your regular clothes fit and you don’t feel all bound up.

My Under Armour is black. I put this stuff on in front of the mirror which was mistake number one.  I could have grabbed a couple of bananas, stuck them in my mouth to simulate yellow tusks and then wallowed on my belly to join a group of walrus at the zoo.

I slid on my regular clothes and sure enough everything fit fine except my limbs now had a tendency to resist flexing at the joints. Bend an elbow and the under garment pushed it back out straight. 

I headed out the door and thought perhaps I should urinate before I travel.

Mistake number two. This underwear does not have a fly in the front but rather a 4 inch overlap of tightly fitting material. There was no way I could maneuver things through my pants so I had to unbuckle my pants at the urinal to pull up my shirt tail and pull down my powerfully elastic bottoms to make things work. The tension on this undergarment was strong and I whimpered a bit when my stitches on my cut finger came in contact with full strength of the elastic. 

I heard someone in the stall nearby clear their throat like “Dude…what are you doing over there?”

It took me 5 minutes to do what normally takes 30 seconds and it made me look like a pervert.

Mistake three was getting undressed in front of a mirror. Finally about 12:30 AM last night I struggled to peel off the under garments and dashed to pee. I had to go so bad that I fell once with the underwear around my ankles.

I hate winter….have I said that before? 

7 comments:

Micky-T said...

Thanks for the laugh!

Mirrors are Bad!

Ali said...

“Dude…what are you doing over there?”

Oh my god. Chris just walked out of the bathroom to find me sitting here crying at the computer! I can't stop laughing - hahahahahaha!

Chris said...

That's pretty good.

It reminds me of those TLC commercials where it says to be careful where you show pictures of your kids. It shows two guys standing at bathroom urinals. One guy looks over to the other and says "Hey, do you want to see something awesome?".
The next scene shows him looking at his gigantic black eye in the mirror.
Good thing this didn't happen to you.

So does this mean you're going to avoid the Under Armour next week, or are you going to cut a "trap door" for easy access?

Wreggie said...

Hopefully it will be in the 50's and I can handle that without long underwear.

It kept me from drinking more than a few beers.

I was afraid to fart too. I was afraid it would come out from my neck.

Judy said...

Reggie you are so funny. I hope the finger is healing ok.

terri said...

Well those don't sound very user-friendly. It's definitely easier to be a woman wearing under armour.

Jay Gray said...

You are gonna absolutely hate me when I tell you this.

It is 81 today. Hell it was in the 60's when I drove to work at 7am!!!

You are always welcome in Jax during these cold NC days!