Personal Space

Some people just take up too much space.

I came out of Home Depot this morning and this wide guy was standing just outside the double sliding door being wide.

He wasn’t huge fat, just a little heavy and his arms didn’t hang down. His arms came out at angles and this took up more space.

He was definitely taking more space than he was entitled to.

My main fear was that he would decide to move and then would crush my toes. He caught me out of the corner of his eye and moved on. Thank you wide guy.

Then I’m heading home on our back country road. I live in the country so all roads are back country.

The road is 16 feet wide. There parked in the right lane is a flatbed trailer unloading a bulldozer.

Trying to flag me on was an overweight lady with gigantic protruding bosoms. She is standing beside the trailer waving for me to go around. I’m driving Big Red the pickup and it is 6 ½ feet wide.

Flagging 101 clearly states that you don’t stand in live lane of traffic.

I’m trying to figure out how to get around these boobs without messing up the only well kept lawn in the county. The lawn belongs to the only openly gay couple that lives in county.

So I’m trying to avoid hitting her boobs with my mirrors, and simultaneously trying to avoid any signs of gay bashing as I gently ride on their lawn to avoid titzilla.

I made it okay, no damage to the lawn and no boob collisions.


Michael said...

One of Terry's favorite sayings is "If you're not livin' on the edge, you're takin' up too much space." Clearly, there are too many folks in NC not livin' on the edge.

TerryC said...

Titzilla!!! I'm dyin' here!! Where does your brain pick this stuff up from?

Anonymous said...

I guess your side mirrors don't fold in? I thought giant breasteses is why they made them that way!!! :)

Michael said...

Its the internal hurricane sucking all sorts of random hilarious stuff into the vortex of Reggie's brain!

Ali said...

I have no words - just a tear stained face, aching stomach, and some pissed off co-workers from listening to my laughing.

TerryC said...

Seriously though, one of the reasons we don't go to America very often is, there are too many too large people.

And that would be too many too large WHITE people.

TerryC said...

Ooops! That sounded a little racist, didn't it? Sorry all of you white folks in America. But after being in the islands for 13 years, it's too bright up there in stores and malls and stuff sometimes. As you can see, Michael and I are of the paler variety of islanders. But it still feels weird when black people are in the minority wherever we go. Obviously we haven't been to Harlem or Bedford Stuy recently.

Scarlet said...

Most guys wish they had your boob problems.

Ali Kat said...

I busted a gut at the "titzilla"! Reggie, you're grrrrrrrrrreat!!

Amos said...

Wow, I'm not sure who wins the award for the best written story here, you or Ali and the spider, but since I am really laughing now I vote for you this time. Wide Guy got me first than the whole boob thing made me fall off the chair! Now that is definitely a great southern story.